doin me .

im doin me for the time being . "catch me when you can " seems like the tagline that fits the structure of my existence these days . ive held on to a replica of the past for so long its draining every ounce of me . i have looked for all the things i lack in the wrong places . exuded pity amongst the weakest individuals . ive exemplified the things ive wanted to in this whole year . 2009 has brought me a stronger sense of who i am and the goals ive wanted to achieve . i have a sense of what my desires are and have channeled them in energies i never knew existed in my DNA .

time and time again i will reflect back on my life and ask the question " what have ive learned this month " . the answer is so simple yet so complex . ive learned that patience is a virtue . ive sat back and examined my past relationships and realized that i infact lacked patience . i rushed to be on top and never cherished the moments where i could sit back and enjoy the ride . patience holds the key to all of our endeavors . if we just hold on to patience , our time will standstill .

ive also learned that faith is the necessity of life . if we lack faith , we cannot persevere . life gives us situations that its up to us if we are going to take heed to the situation . if we are going to turn that negative situation into a positive one . God will continue to put things upon ur heart until u break down and ask him for guidance & strength . however the only time he will grant ur wishes is if you exemplify faith .

with all of these things , i have overcome obstacles that i never knew i could . life didnt seem like it would get easy until i slowed down the pace . now im riding smooth & clean . life is great

cold .

cold air goes thru my body ,
as I ,
step out of my elements to write you this one last line ,
i beckoned and thought twice over again ,
the many things ive wanted to address to you in a short time span ,
this time away in my own world has brought me peace ,
i look forward to the times in my future where happiness ,
is due to me in fact since your presence wasted away in front of me ,

i thought back to the times we share ,
where you held my hand in the moonlight ,
kissed me with those soft lips ,
held me under the stars ,
asked me to make a wish ,
and you would try your best to granted it ,

i thought back to the times we made love ,
the sound of rain against the window pane ,
as our bodies became one ,
you devoured me ,
i devoured you ,
sweat released passion ,
teasing was a aftershock ,

i thought back to the times where we argued ,
i screamed and fought with you to understand ME ,
i cried in a corner to see if you would comfort me ,
you just stared ,
the times where ive had to treat you like SHIT ,
just so u would see how YOU made ME feel ,
times where ive had to push you away with every ounce of my soul ,
tearing me apart ,
tearing my soul ,
crushin your existance ,
weakened the bond ,

i thought back to the day you crawled back to me ,
on one knee you proposed a vow to me ,
declared your love for me ,
kissed away the stingin of the tears ,

i thought back to the day where i said enough is enough ,
existance are foreshadowing events that are misunderstood ,
actions couldnt speak in forms that were indeed louder than words ,
i threw away the key i got made for you to my soul ,
in my fireplace ,
still holds that burned copper ,

i feel your existance when i lay in bed ,
thoughts of it make me sick to my stomach ,
i feel you still trying to find me ,
longing for me ,
needing me ,
wanting me ,
desiring me .

with the same breathe i spoke ,
i exited you out of my life ,
on a cold day in January ,
2009 .
the cold still lingers in my body ,
it lets me know im still alive ,
skin isnt touched ,
because a warmth fills my soul ,

im humbled ,
content ,
happy ,
and im officially over you .

i look forward to the reminder ,
on that cold day in January ,
2010 ,
for i will be able to stand strong and say ,
i have overcome .

undefined.

thoughts of a trance,
race through my mind,
as my eyes start to close,
and my mind explores all possibilities,
of a heightened new level,

things change,
and rearrange,
time flies,
and stories lie,

mixed emotions comes to the surface,
nothing never makes any sense,
a look upon the future,
brings grimace and prospects,
of maybe startin over,
or returnin to that same lifestyle.

a brush of death,
a arrow of love,
those are the things that tie,
individuals like strings on a guitar.

in her heart i know the truth,
in her mind she knows the equation,
in literal sense she doesnt make,
the best judgements she thought she made,

things change,
and rearrange,
time flies,
and stories lie,

different strokes for different folks,
different untolds stories affects the vast majority,
intellect appeases some,
but beauty outweights the vast visualization.

a look upon the tasks of ones true destiny,
sheds light on new beginnings,
a propserous future beholds,
but will the individual,
tap into their destiny?

undefined again.

[im a bitch in the morning time. im a host of imperfections.] i have moments where your attention matters to me more than other times. i can start a fight when its that time of the month. ladies some can contest. i dont mean to get on your nerves. i tend to nag when i want you close. i ask alot of questions to see where your head is that day. sometimes i dont think im pretty. yet there are those same times i want you to say.."not only are you pretty, but BEAUTIFUL." i have those instances where you want to give up, but i simply remind you of God's gift, and you rewind back those words you just said. i dont ask for your money, cars, or expensive gifts. i just ask for your time and patience. because ive been through so much in mye life that sometimes the thoughts dont correlate and i find myeself back to where i didnt want to be before. but thats where you come in. your suppose to be that upliftment device that only i can call on. your suppose to stand bye meeh when i need you the most, ask if i need you, and if i say no, still ACT like i need you...

new beginnings.

i thought you were different from the rest,
but now i see your just like the bunch,
of women i try to avoid,
but steadily they find their way to me,

i thought this time things would have been different,
not saying happiness with a woman was a necessity,
but it most definately would have been nice,
to finally find that person that was on your complete level,
of how a love and union between two women should be,

the upbringing of children together,
the nights spent alone in bed just looking into each others eyes,
without a single word spoken,
the days one feels down,
and the other is single-handed there,
uplifting the other with their tender touch and kisses,
the nights where its so cold outside,
but the burning of their hearts combined,
helps ease the chill lingering on their skins,
the days of new beginnings shared with themselves,
the time where they get to bring each other home to their families,
and show them what true happiness really is,
despite their choice of sexuality,
the times where it got so rough between them,
that they both were thinking of leaving,
but both remained strong,
because of the drive within their souls,
of that same companionship they both endeared for.

time and time again i wonder why God places these people in mye life,
is it to better me?
yes.
is it to better them?
yes.
or is it to hurt and confused each others hearts?
no.
as ive been taught,
God places these people upon your life,
because he has a purpose for each individual,
it might be to better them or yourself,
and it might be because you need to die one last time,
before you can breathe your first breathe,
or it might be to test your faith,
and question you as a person,
it might be to send you a message,
and start looking deep within,
for a love you want to look outside for,
when you should look deep inside for,
whatever God's plan is for them,
is just that,
for them.

qone.

without a shadow of doubt, i feel myself sinkin away from the elements beneath meeh. i dont think ill be coming back anytime soon. so much keeps happening that im tryin to figure out the purpose, the message, and WHY? i want out from the many trials but it beckons me to continue and strive forward. but its so hard to sometimes. it really is. im exiting love out of my life for good, ill be alone until death do me part. the so called friends i have, are non existant. they dont know me anyways so its easier to get rid of them for good. the stupid chicks that are exs and are exs for a reason, yet still feel the need to tell me how wrong they were in the past, and i was the best thing that happened to them. why recognize that now when im long gone from the equation. when i was there, nothing added up in your brain, so why try to simplify the equation? im hibernating. yeah i know its spring now, but maybe ill hibernate, and rejoin in the summer.

I WANT..

i think im ready for something that i thought i wasnt ready for a while back. i was pushin all the females away that i knew wanted to be with me at the time because i didnt think i was good enough to be with them. i felt that i couldnt offer them anything that they needed emotionally because i wasnt emotionally connected with myself. here i am sitting here thinking, where do i go from here. in a matter of short time i could lose the love that i have always wanted because i am not what she wants in the long run. but like i said, as im sitting here thinking, i realized that i am in fact ready for a relationship now. the problem comes in where will i find such a woman who is on my level to the utmost that i need her to be at. where will i find this companion who lives within reach because im tired of the long distance relationships that i have gotten myself into before. i want someone who is at distance who i will be able to see on weekends because during the week is my dedication to my CAREER. someone who i can spend the night with and just be there with them for the company. not for the sex. if only God has created this being, and if he did, where is she? and how come i havent found her yet.....

she can never be.

she can never be what i want her to be.
meaning this.
why is it that one day she is so understanding of how my mood changes so crazy,
but the next day she cant understand?

she can never understand where i come from,
she says i understand now that you explain it.
how many times do i have to explain it to you?

she can never give me what i need as a friend,
if,
she is constantly makin shit bigger than what it really is.
takin words out of context,
before thinking,
she never thinks before she speaks.
and wonders why i brush her off,
every chance i can.

she can never.
admit to herself how happy she is when she is with me,
how she admits once that,
she could see herself comin home to me.
but what she seeks i cannot give.
she seeks security.
she can never understand that,
security lies within herself,
and its not something man or woman can give her.

she can never be me,
because if she could,
she couldnt do you like i do.
she could never understand your moments of affection.

they can never be,
what your searchin for if,
you cannot understand what you are searchin for.

she can never be understanding,
and not always thinkin tough love is the best medicine.
she can never realize that this tough love,
makes me feel like shit each passin of the moment.
she can never understand that,
when im depressed,
the world looks grim,
and i cant think or feel.
she can never understand that sometimes i do beat myself up,
and i dont do it on purpose.
she can never understand that,
when you have a thousand armies against you,
but one peace maker,
that its harder to accept that peace maker.

she can never make me feel whole,
because in fact,
neither one of us is whole.

she can never be.
enough said.

departed.

i dont understand why i am alone in this battle,
why is it that i love her so damn much that,
even though i dont want her around as much,
im still upset at the littlest things,
such as her not callin me like she use to,
her not bein as affectionate as she use to be,
her not simply doin the little things she use to do,
i keep on trying to figure out if its somethin that ive done wrong,
or is it finally that time where we both might need to say goodbye,

am i over reactin,
is the equation not simplified yet?
have i ran out of the many wishes ive wished since shes been around?
have i rub her lamp a lil too hard,
so many questions beckon inside my head,
but she refuses to answer,
apart of me is just thinkin that im overreactin,
but another part of me is thinkin thats not the case,
that she will do me like she did me before,
and wait until everything makes her sick,
and use some tired excuse to finally make it disappear,
because no matter what she says,
i dont just believe that it was her redemption that made her break up with me,
she even said so herself,
that she couldnt deal with the other things that were the problem before,
and she hid everything from me,
not openin up and tellin me what was wrong,
until it was too late,
apart of me wont ever forgive her for it because,
this would be the third time she has done it if it happens again,
where would i go from here now?
three times a charm right,
or so i thought that,
eventually ill get tired of runnin around in circles,
but in the meantime,
where do i go from here?
what do i do now?
is this solution never coexistant?
will i ever find the main compartment of the tell tale story?

i know that i havent played the best role in this love story,
this opera,
this soap opera,
but things have changed tremendously since the first time i laid my eyes on her,
things arent the same anymore,
in fact they are completely different,
even when we were back on track it still felt different,
it wasnt like it use to be,
and now,
she doesnt even recognize me hardly,
because if she did,
the phone calls would have not died down,
watered down phone calls just because,
or the fact that now i have to come out of my way,
and reach out to her for a phone call or two,
and if and when i bring this matter up to her,
she just brushes it off like its dust,
that it doesnt make her sneeze,
or irritate her,
instead i feel dumb because im the only one bringing this to the table,
she understands my fustrations when its not about her,
but the minute i bring her into the picture shes quiet,
doesnt really react much,
instead she plays asleep,
while my voice wanders off,
in a relm of disappointment,
despair,
heartache,
confusion,
bitterness,
i am now the secondary choice,
i was once warned that though,
funny thing is i never took the advice,
i was too much in love to see what the real truth lied,
not sayin she never loved or cared about me,
because that truth was ambivalent,
the fact of the matter is now,
i have officially taken a back seat ride,
instead of the shotgun position,

my mind wanders as hours and minutes goes by,
and not one phone call laces my cell phone,
and when she does call shes in best friend mode,
now,
instead of every moment lovey dovey,
shes talkin about the dude shes talkin to,
or,
work,
granted yes the job things are more important in my opinion,
but peep this,
if i was your center of the universe for months on end,
years on end,
and then all of the sudden you completely up and change the rotation,
how am i suppose to react to that?
arent i entitled to me bein upset from that?
but of course only her emotions matter,
because every time i do something wrong to her,
shes so quick to tell me about it,
no questions asked,
and gets mad at me if i dont understand her fully,
but when i try and voice my opinion and let it be known,
what she does to either hurt me or upset me,
she has a problem with it,
goes off into a tyrant,
and immediately seeks closure behind a closed mouth,

bottom line is this,
i never get my way,
i had it before,
and i lost it,
i lost her,
dont know if ill ever get her back but,
either way i know that,
the past is the past,
and the future is yet to come,
im not sure if she is guarenteed a spotlight there,
but only time will tell,
and time heals all wounds,
even the ones that you thought couldnt be healed,
i guess it takes the magic of believing,
and lettin go,
ive loved her thus far,
i guess its time for someone else to take over.

stoned.

at exactly 11 pm on this night,
my heart finally melted to stone,
filled with the toughest might i add,
a little bit of cement and concrete,
this holds harder and tougher,
made so that the next disappointment,
struggle,
pain,
are non existant,
and they dont hurt as bad as this recent attack.

im tired of bein the one that everyone disposes at their own whim,
which is the reason why,
i cannot love again,
i have a woman that wants to be with me,
mind body and soul,
and im fearful of her sanity,
because im closed off,
i cannot lift myself out of this,
even if i wanted to,
it would be impossible.

im the center of mockery,
my thoughts arent like the others,
so rather than try and accept my views,
i am ridiculed for such abstract thinking,
they always say that the storms hit harder before it gets better,
im puttin my umbrella up,
i cannot go on another shower,
i cannot endure another storm,
my heart has been melted to stone,
and unless your skilled at reviving,
need not waste your time,

you compare me to every female you know,
but what you dont know is,
i am not like her,
i will never be like her,
from your best friend,
down to your girlfriend,
you compare me as such,
should i be honored that im compared to them,
because they hold such a higher bein that i could ever,
i think not,
the shit you say out of your mouth,
has me at awe,
your a fuckin waste of expression,
a waste of my damn emotion,
and your the reason why,
on top of many other bad things in my life,
that my heart is melted officially to stone,
goodbye,
farewell,
fuck you,
and have a nice life.

self proclaimed prophecy.

we all have a imagery in our heads,
of the perfect person,
idealistic minds want to know,
what that perfect person would be,
self proclaimed prophecy,
a phrase used to describe this abstract type thinking,
a one liner destined to open up the gates of proclamation.

a perfect person replicates what we want out of a person,
because we are lackin somethin within ourselves,
to make ourselves as a whole individuals,
therefore we rely on a visualization that we infact,
will find our perfect person,
but let me break down a perfect person in detailed description,

a perfect person is a higher bein other than ourselves,
Jesus was the closest thing to a perfect soulmate,
because in fact he did no wrong,
he saved the entire race of sin and destruction,
are we lookin for a "Jesus" to fill our voids?
or are we lookin for a individual to set us free of our flaws and pains,
a common interest between two people,
a person to equal out the bad or good in us,

there is no such thing as a perfect companion,
if you believed that,
im here to tell you otherwise,
you can achieve something close to it,
but perfection is never a guarantee,
ever heard of the clique,
be careful what you wish for?
i honestly know what that means now,
i wished for someone who would take me away from despair,
would love me despite my flaws,
would understand what it meant to love a woman the way another woman should,
someone who knew what it meant to cater to her and her needs,
i found that person,
and i have exited that person out of my life with that same breathe i spoke,
she gave me everything i wanted and more,
but now i wish she never came into my life,
cuz if she didnt,
i wouldnt have hurt when i said goodbye.

life holds no favorites,
so with that bein said,
marinate that,
and im slowly exiting off the stage.

tired.

im tired of the fact that im so envidently givin myself to friends that arent even worthy of it..im tired of the fact that at the end of the day..the little trust that i do have..i bestow it upon a particular individual..she knows that i lack trust in individuals as is..so when im able to..even if its only at certain instances..come to you with an issue or problem..i not only hope..but expect you to be there for me thick and thin..especially if ive been there for you..i cant understand why..why do people just act like they care...just be honest from jump..if you dont give two fucks..then dont give two fucks..end of story..i cant stress how much that hurts when you start learnin to trust and especially its with a person you not only had history with..you were in love with..AND how begged you to trust them overall..dont come at me sayin that your a great person and you cant understand why your always gettin people that fuck you over..when the real actuality is..your a great fuckin actor..shit thats what your major was correct? so its shows..at the end of the day my friend..not only am i gonna not be there for you..just so you can see how it feels to be left alone when goin thru somethin..but im also gonna make sure i make better attempts to rid you out of my life..i cannot have someone that claims they care when its obviously by the little things that you dont..your so quick to throw in my face the things you do for me..but at the end of the days those things are materialistic..i need you there when i feel i cannot go on longer..i need you there when my body gets weak and i cannot stop the tears from flowin..i need you there when i feel that my world is crumblin beneath me..i need you there to wipe the tears away..hold me..and tell me its gonna be ok..even if i dont believe it..just do it anyways..thats what friends are for..true friends that is..i guess after all our history you came up short..you came up not bein the person i thought you could be..or were..its weird how a female youve only known for a couple of weeks and you guys are just "friends" but she gets more attention than i do? how is that? how is that you know im goin thru somethin...needin attention..especially from you..but when i call you dont answer? why is it that i have to be the one that always calls you..why is it that i have to get a phone call after makin sure i didnt call you for two days..and you all of a sudden excited to hear from me..didnt think i missed you cuz i didnt call..why is it that you beg me to open up and tell me thats what friends are for in order to reach out to them? but when i do..its a problem because your not around to be there..and when i dont you get aggrevated and shut down..your actions show that you dont know what you want..your actions show that you only care when it suits you..

clueless.

i dont understand how one month ago i had a woman that wanted to give me everything..but because i was still stuck on the past with a woman that wants to only give me pieces of her i ran..she eventually got tired of chasin after me and settled for a woman that was able to meet her every needs..includin lovin her from a closer distance than myself..now im tryin to figure out how come when ive wanted to let love inside and take the quotes that my friends have so eageredly wanted to share with me about love..make them my own..and concrete them with stone..she has yet to arrive in my life..instead im comin across woman that dont meet the qualifications i have set up for myself..because at the end of the day any woman isnt going to fit the script of what i want..i need not settle for less just because i feel lonely inside. im tired of nights where i wanna go out and all i have to call upon is the ex that only wants to give me pieces of her..im tired of anytime i just wanna talk i have to call my twin and sometimes im not mentally there because even though shes my btch...she isnt the woman that i want to secretly be with..im tired of the fact that everytime i look around on DL everyone is happily in a relationship and im stuck not havin a damn thing..but yet when i do get so close..something happens and im further away than i was before..why is it that even though my mom has been thru the same situations that i have with pains and tribulations she not only comes out on top but she has a husband that loves her unconditionally..she has finally found love..when will it be my time? when will i find my wife? i use to have it made back iin the day..i had women that were so eagered to be my girl..never had a dull moment with them..but when it came down to the actually relationship it ended quicker than it started..and then once i got with my recent ex i found out why..it was because i thought i loved them and in fact i didnt..i didnt know what true love was until i met her..im tired of being alone..when will it be my time to find love? i have a heart full..and a mind eagered to learn..im ready to finally love again..even if it means ill get hurt again..

tears.pain.sweat

as i sit her and count the many times i have in fact encountered those three things i would be insane..

as the tears escape my face i start to question my ability to love contently..i began to question my inability to be subject to ones destruction...the tears are so hot with warmth and it lets me know that i am in fact alive and human..therefore that should be the indications that we as humans should not treat the next accordingly to those ways of lies and manipulations.

pain beckons at my doorstep twice a year..she brings her baggage and hastenly i open my gate and let her in..its like ive watched a soap opera of my life and she fits the script..its liike the director purposely put pain in the script to watch it develop in to more..pain knows the hold she has on individuals..she comes in and makes you her hostage..and in fact the only reason why she preys on you is because you were her years ago...shes jealous that your face is beautiful..she is jealous that you have a home to call your own...shes jealous because you have someone that loves you..even with the fights and fusses. pain is jealous because she is a inadequate object that cannot fullfill desire..lust..or love..

sweat acts as a second skin in ways it should not..it penetrates the existing beings of flesh....sweat in this existance is placed through the adrenaline rush that happens when we are emotional..you feel like your tears and your sweat are one because its a over abundance of the two..the more you cry..the more you sweat..but truth be told..after its all over..doesnt it feel like the sweat excreted that pain you was feelin more than the tears did? the tears washed away the inital sting but it left that scar in your heart...

tears.pain.sweat. the true definition.

lies.

i would be lyin if i said i didnt miss you..i would be lyin if i said i didnt miss those times we shared..the nights where i would be there in your arms until the sun rose and we awoke..i would be lyin if i didnt feel some type of way to the end result of our departures from each others lifes..i would be lyin...end of story..

i felt like a POW when you were around..a prisoner not of necessarily war..but of love..i felt like i didnt know who i was inside if you left abruptedly..i felt like if you left..i would be empty inside..i invested on a love that i knew deep down inside was sufficed by the abstracts of ones thinkin...i knew that all odds were against me..i knew you were against me..

i became a addict of your love..i felt like an addict..beggin you to stay when i knew you and i wanted out equally..addicted to the pain and lust all at the same time..addicted to the abuse i was gettin myself into..addicted to the struggle of keepin you around...addicted to the highs i experienced better than a substance..and in the same breath..addicted to the lows one feels after abuse..

i became a toy you played with in hopes of keepin your attention span usefull..i became an object that was pushed and shoved just for mediocre amusement..i became your vice of distraught. i became everything you wanted out of a muse..i became your VHS and lowkey you wanted a DVD..

i belittled myself and made myself out to be the bad guy..i abused myself in the process because i figured the only reason why i was hurt behind your actions was because i deserved it..i did my dirt in my past and i was willin to pay for it..even if it meant bein at your hands of mercy..

i let go of who i was inside..and didnt know i lost myself..until you were out the picture..

ibernation.

ive given up on hopes of finding that potential one. maybe its not a game im suppose to play in the long run. within a year ive lost every aspect of what i use to call love to a game of self destruct. im tired of coming out from every game a loser. i had a bitch that i gave the world to and now once again im not what she wanted. and the funny thing is, it aint even because she wants to be with a man. nope. its because now all of a sudden she can actually see herself being with a woman fulltime. however that woman isnt me. of course im not deeply affected behind that particular lost because that bitch aint me. and she most definately cant do it like me. however, im lookin on the outside lookin in and the prospects seem great. how the fuck do i end up on the fucked up side of the pool stick? i know what it means to love a female. not just her body but her mind. give her stimulating conversations and make her see her worth in the world. treat her like the queen she is destined to become. showcase her talents and not her beauty. but in this society we are so eagered to be apart of, that doesnt mean shit at all. instead we are tryin to find the lesbian that pussy is better than yours but technically neither is because thats just like comparin to a straight bitch with walls. it has no competition. (inside joke from my twin). at the end of the day, what you woman are sittin here destined to find is what you lack within. im not meetin anyone with the same mentality. so im hibernating until July 5th. maybe ill rejoin then. but until then, dueces. comment if you want. dating is a wrap for me.

vulnerable.

i feel like a bird that has been stripped of its wings. i dont know whats its like to feel loved because when i was supposidly loved it was all a lie. my heart was ripped out today and i dont know how to patch it back together. my mind is gone and my gut is tellin me i should have known all along. my brain is pissed and my heart is hurt. my body says im stupid while my mind says your human. i feel vulnerable because my intuitions were there all along but i never looked deep into them until the time was wrong and i got hurt again. i feel like ive been stripped down completely and now its up to myself to rebuild myself from scratch again. rebuild the self esteem that i made for myself. rebuild the love that i had for myself. and rebuild the trust i was tryin to bestow on individuals. i feel like i was raped and battered, left on the side of the road for a freak show. i would have been better off if she would have beat me rather than stab me in the front of my chest. i would have been better off if you killed me than committed the ultimate sin of lies and destruction. you abused the priviledges that now wont be bestowed on another individual because i cannot trust another soul again. i rather you fucked my best friend than fucked me on a whim of makin me pay...yes i know what i did was wrong but because not only you said you forgave me, god forgave me because i was givin another chance to love until you fucked it up. but i also gave mercy and i repented for that particular sin in place of another substance. so at the end of the day if you cannot forgive me for an action that was made when i was weak, than you dont forgive anyone who has ever hurt you. even more so, i am human, i make mistakes. i forgave you three times too many. and i havent held anything over your head. i let the situations go and maybe i shouldnt have been that easy on you because you definately wasnt that easy on me. i feel betrayed by you. but everything makes so much sense now.

despair.

im sitting here thinking about a particular situation i just got out of. within the blink of an eye im sittin here contemplating it without even realizing that i am. i saw the movie tonight, he's just not into you..with my ex. although i was surprised how the turn out was ( if you know me and my situation, you would be able to put two and two together), i was not expecting the night to turn the way it did. i was forced to finally open my eyes. after two years, i was forced to take off the tape that i had on my eyes and see what i should have been seeing from day one. check this.

if someone doesnt see the good you have brought in their lives, they are not needed.

if someone cant see the good before the bad, they are not needed in your life.

if someone rather dwell on the pain you have caused, and not worshipped the first that you shared with them, they are not worth your energy or time.

tonight everything i just wrote came out in one simple, yet heartbreakin conversation. my ex was upset because the movie made her upset. her girlfriend is married and lives in another state, and the guy she has been pursuin also lives in the sam state as the girlfriend. she was upset because shes a hopeless romantic and basically her bed is empty when she comes home from work. you asked how do i come in to play?

a couple of months ago, we shared an intimate moment. we had sex for the first time. we were together for almost a year but because of circumstances we never shared our first time together. it was heavily talked about, but never shared. we had that night after months of battling a breakup from each other. next thing i knew, i was being the other woman. something that i have never done before. quite frankly i also realized that i am not worthy of being second. i should always be first in a situation like that. but i loved the shit out of her. the truth is, i did some dirt to her and i allowed myself to be at her mercy because of it. at the time, i didnt love myself. but i loved the shit out of her. i allowed myself to be her other bitch. i use to push her away and cause so much hurt to her while we were doing us. and everytime she would ask me why would i do that to her..and i never had a answer..i got my answer tonight..it was because i felt no matter what i did, it would never amound to her girlfriend. why? because her present girlfriend is an ex girlfriend from the past..and also the very first girlfriend she ever had. she toted her relationship on a higher pedastal than she did ours, and yet i still felt inside that i was bein used. but i would brush it off because she would do things and reassure me i was just over analyzing things. i would lie in bed and wonder what life would have been like if we took that extra step and move on with each other as one. i felt in my heart she was the one. i opened myself up more ways than i was even ready to, yet alone i was alone. i would pull back because i felt that i wasnt bein met halfway. i use to always say in my head, how could she love me, when she is lovin another person. but of course, her charm and her ways brought me back down and i forgot for a moment what i was feeling. i feel like such a fool because tonight i realized the truth..she use to tell me when we were actually in a relationship that i was her first in everything..that i had given her everything she wanted and more..even when we were back to doin us..she would tell me how much she loved and cherished me..but for some reason i had a hard time believin her..i guess i really did know the truth..i was just searching for more answers..and i got them..but i also got something along with it..heartache..i have given this girl every piece of me..something that NOONE can say they have had. i never let a female in my heart..i never even allowed myself to trust a woman as much as i trusted her..i always thought that the woman that swept me off my feet and got me to break down all my walls..was gonna be the one i was gonna spend the rest of my life with..turned out not that at all..what killed and deaded the deal was when she said i wanna ask her to marry me..but i kno it wont happen..last february she broke up with me because she didnt want to be in the life anymore..and she knew that deep down inside she wanted to marry a man..to hear her say that tonight..hurt..although im not in love with her..i will always love her..and it wil always feel like knife was put in my chest deliberatly..she broke my heart a thousand times..and ive only broken hers once..i pray to God for strength. and the courage to love again..

her response when i got out the car..priceless..

"i appreciate you"..

enough said.

trust.

my heart is hurting and my mind is wandering.
my brains says no but my body is yearning.
my thoughts are plagued and my fingers are typing.
trust i have bestowed is of a great deal.
in a person im trying to figure out why God is continuously cursing me with.
i wish i wasnt here.
i wish i wasnt there.
i wish my heart wasnt open.
i wish deception wasnt an option.
i wish my thoughts would just cease.
i wish parts of her never existed.
i wish.
damn i wish i could never feel an emotion again.
i want to get up.
remain up.
and lift up from the situation.
but i feel at times a boulder is pushing me down.
pushing me down like concrete to the worlds beneath me.
i wish i didnt feel like my heart was skidded on.
i wish my face didnt feel like it was unpretty.

i trust in myself to make decisions that i know i cannot make.
i trust in God that he will make a way.
i trust in my friends for levelheadedness.
i trust in myself to justify situations that arent greatly appreciated.
i just wish i could trust the human ra.ce.
the same way i trust myself.

no more i say.
no more i cannot take.
but why does God keep pulling me back.
what the hell is this man trying to tell me.
teach me.
mold me into?
so many questions raced thru out my mind.
my heart feels empty.
and my body feel numb.
i erase the memories.
and never look back again.
from this moment on.
i shall remain the distant person ive become again.
until one day these open sores.
finally heal truthfully.
trust in noone i say.
because trust leads you nowhere.

i look to you for support and comfort.
for you to say i feel the same way you do.
i look to the skies for a rainbow.
to tell me that lifes is just one big learning lesson.
neither has come.
so what does that mean truthfully?

i trust in you Lord.
please help me.
i know you hear me crying.
i know you feel my heart.
i know you know im true and sincere.
help me Lord to understand your ways.
help me to trust.
life in general,
and the people i may come across.
Lord help me.
I pray....

courage. when i was younger..i had the courage to do all things possible..i was valedictorian of my sixth grade graduation class..honor roll student..band member..chorus member..the popular kid that had a bad ass mouth..i was on top of the world..or so i thought..until one day..my life flashed before my eyes..and my whole world came crumbling down in a matter of seconds..i became everything i wasnt..a year and a half later i became a statistic..i was in the same boat with 1/4 of children growing up in the world...i became a rape victim..but i became a rape victim because of my ex boyfriend and his best friend....first tragedy..but not the last.. that isnt the end of my story..but its definately at the beginning..that was when i first lost who i was..i lost the courage to become anything or amound to anything in my mind..i lost the courage to stand up for what i believed in..my rape had me so scared i didnt even confess to my mother until i was grown..i lost the courage when they told me..if you tell..ill kill you...the same thing these young girls that are molested and raped are told..this is not the begininng..this is not the end... courage...the definition of courage..a quality of spirit that enables you to face danger or pain without showing fear...did you know that was the definition before i encorportated it into this? i actually didnt know and im a writer..courage within ourselves is ambivalent if we dont actually recognize it..i have the courage..i just lost it at a early stage in my life..ive come so far..ive cried so many tears..my war scars are finally healing..courage is finally bein bestowed in my body like it was a vitamin. now i thrive on having the courage to approach any woman i want..i have the courage to make my decisions the best way i know how to..i have the courage to finally speak out and say ENOUGH! i have the courage to scream so loud, finally the walls break down..i have the courage...do you? i sat back in the passenger seat last night with a friend..and while she vented about her recent ex...i began to cry..because she finally had the courage to stand up for herself..and because we both had the courage to confess...we both had the courage to say enough and walked away..my loose ends are officially tied..no more communications..you cant reach me if you tried..i cried last night..tears burned my cheeks..but i wasnt sad..i was rejoiceful..because i finally realized what ive been tellin myself all along...you were not alone.... i call upon God because he keeps me sane..he kept me sane the night i spend holding myself naked crying...he kept me sane the nights ive laid alone wanting a female next to me...he kept me sane when you turned your back on me.. i was too like that mother that was holding her childs hand while she was on the ledge.. i too was that mother that walked away.. i too was that one that sparked that blunt.. and let it take me far away..just anywhere but here.. im finally healing from years of pain..i smile everyday the biggest smile because i know who i am inside and cant noone take that away from me..thank you all who hurt me...and i wish not one hair on your body is harmed... humbled.

i have shut my emotions down since the last phone conversation we had..ive exhausted out every thought process as to why the whole situation went as bad as it did..i came up with a few theories..

i titled this a baltimore love thing because our relationship was beautiful in the beginning..like 50 describes crack with the girl in his song..we chased the high that we were both on because it felt so good..we knew it was bad for each other because of the circumstances that was at hand.."put that lighter up to that spoon..that needle up to your arm princess.." thats exactly how it felt..i would be with her two or three days out of the week..because i felt so high with her..she felt so high with me..and it was bad because we both were in situations..when we were together our relationship was damn near perfect..we broke up because of HER lifestyle..she ended up gettin in a relationship..n i should have walked away from her completely..and i did..for a couple of months..until she contacted me..and because i had it in my mind that ill always have love for her..i regressed..CRACK..

the song again depicts our relationship because ..in the beginning..she was my best friend and my lover..towards the end she became my enemy..towards the end we started arguing alot..because she wouldnt understand where i was coming from..if she would have just listened to what i had to say all those times..we wouldnt have argued..she was so quick to blame me in every situation that went down..but it wasnt me all the time..i use to cry myself to sleep towards the end because she wouldnt just understand..she would get fustrated and ignore me..she never took into account that we never argued not once the first year of our relationship..so there must have been a huge problem...never once tried to figure out what it was..but secretly i was hurting because i felt like her mistress..i was her mistress..i felt everytime she said she desired me..it was only because she couldnt have her gf there beside her..or every time she looked at me in my eyes and told me she loved me..it wasnt me she was saying she loved me to..it was her gf..i started feeling towards the end that she was using me because she didnt want to sleep in her bed alone..she didnt want to spend her days off alone...she wanted someone to spend her money on...when towards the end it was me who was shellin out money..and she made more money than me...i started to realize she was taking advantage of me..kind of like when addicts realize that the drug they are on..is really bad for them..they admit they have a problem..but they dont kno how to get out of the situation..in the last verse of the song..50 says..i always take the pain away..when ur friends arent around..they call you a fuckin fiend..my friends started distancin themselves from me because they kept sayin she was no good..and i kept makin excuses...i kept feelin the part where 50 says.."we gotta love thing..i can take you higher girl fuckin wit me u can be all you can be..." she told me to take her hand..and let me follow her..trust her..in the end..im alone..and shes not..jokes on me..

know why the caged bird sang..

i know why the caged bird sang..
because she was able to finally understand..
despite all the things that happened to her as a child..
she can finally move on with life..
and make it her own..
own it like it was a CD she bought in the store..
own it like it was the first thing she bought with her first pay check..
own it like it was..
HERS..
so i sit here..
contemplating if i am yet whole from the substance i was high from..
so high off the ground i lost who i was inside..
something like a crack addict..
something like a alcoholic..
who uses substances to clear their minds..
of unwanted thoughts and desires..
i find myself something like the caged bird..
because while im trapped in my thoughts..
i free myself with words..
words either on the screen..
on in a note pad..
because thats all i know how to get my point across..
i cannot verbalize because my system reads overheated..
overheated with emotions..
anger..
regret..
sadness..
bitterness..
confusion..
excapes so freely when i write..
which is why writing is a muse..
and not a talent to me..
it sets me free..
like the caged birds song..
we are one in the same dear friend..
because only you know what its like to feel trapped..
confined in small spaces..
cornered..
afflicted..
i feel at times i rise above the occasion..
and then there are times when i fall below the notch..
the caged bird sings..
because thats the only way she is able to communicate her feelings..
while noone listens to the song..
she feels released because its music she understands..
its made and played over again for her amusement..
not for everyone elses..
she sings songs of rejoice..
she sings songs of pain..
she sings songs of redemption..
she sings songs of proclamation..
she sings..
real life shit..
shit that feeds only her soul..
because only she knows what it feels like to feel all of those things..
only she can interpret it because its her life story..
noone can shoot down her songs..
because noone can interpret them..
noone can judge her..
except the man above..
her songs are melodic..
a lil sharp on the uptake..
let the caged bird sing..
she sings my favorite song...

up at 5am

so im up at 5am and i have to be at work at 9am..i wont be gettin off until either 4 or 6...and im blown because i have to be up at 730am..u do the math..i havent yet been to sleep..i cant fuckin sleep at all..im wide awake writing this blog..im sure u can hear me cussin up a storm..why? because im goin to be on my fuckin feet all damn day...dealin with rude ass females..wantin to get a measurement..and i cant fuckin sleep..so instead of me bitchin layin down..i decided to write a blog..go figure right..

i guess i have alot on my mind..im still bitter about my ordeal with my ex..but lately..since it happened anyways..ive felt that she is dead to me...she died to me that night she for the thousandth time disrespected me and acted the way she did..but ive realized in that time span..that she was just as bad as the nigga that use to beat me..she always said to me..never put me in the same category as him..but now that i think about it..she deserves to be in that category..noone you love will put you down all the time..noone you love will make you feel like sloppy seconds..especially if you had their heart first..noone you love will hurt you for the joy of it..they will hurt you..but it will hurt them more than it hurt you..i know while im writing this blog..she is curled up with her gf not worried about a damn thing but her and that gf..and she damn sure aint worried about me..and quite frankly ive realized she never worried about me..all the shit she said was to keep me closer and closer..so that i wouldnt see past her bullshit..that i wouldnt call her on her shit and roll out like all the rest...or quite frankly..if anyone else did..im sure she used me more than i used her..im sure it never bothered her any..the arguements because she felt that i was pushin her away was a sign to keep me close..all the bullshit she did like take me out and spend money on me...was a security blanket because she had noone to spend that time with..quite frankly while i thought i was playin her..she was playin me..jokes on me i guess..but in the end..it is what it is...game was played very well...i always said if a female played me and i found out..and she survived that shit..id give her big props..because im a hard female to play..and even harder to roll with...so with that bein said...LAURA..you got it..u got me good..but one day...you'll reap what you sow...

Lesson Learned

The title of this blog was originally called Aftermath, but after listening to a song that i had skipped over so many times, and never listened to it..i took heed and listened for the first time..this is how i linked it to my life today..

Today I had a situation that shook my world for the 15 minutes that this female was in my presence. Or shall i say when she was in MY presence. This woman was a ex situation. No official title is needed or given for that matter, just a ex situation. She came to my job today with her girlfriend and I hastenly examined the situation. If I at least decide to be cordial, I have to deal with two things, the bullshit that her girlfriend will try and throw at me, and the stares and whispers of my coworkers. See, this particular female and I have mutual situations..WORK. My coworkers are also her old coworkers. Enough said. She conversated with them for a while. And while I acted like she didnt exist, she would make attempts to stare or try to make herself noticeable to just me. Her girlfriend was basically apart of my face instead of actually paying attention to her new surroundings. While I'm conducting business and handling clients, I notice quite often that either both of the women are making gestures like they are talking about me. I walk away and continue to do my thing like she was a stranger to me. Because in all actuality, she is a stranger. There were many attempts of trying to get me to break, but she was unsuccessful. She stands at the cash register right next to me, and I walk away. Any move i make, either her or her girlfriend is watching me. It ended because she gave up. She left like a defeated child. The type of child that gives up when their father or mother finally turns their back on them completely..She created such a scene to the point my coworkers are whispering and staring AT ME. IM gettin all the negative feedback about her. IM getting the bullshit behind her stares and long faced. Noone wants the type of attention I recieved today. NOONE. ill break it down in a minute why. To wrap this portion up, she exits after she finally sees me walk away..I was told that she stared for a very long time to see if i would have broke down finally and merely utter a word to her. I didnt. Heres why..

The day I closed the chapter of me and her was after a 7 month hiatus from her. I had basically rid her completely out of my life with no communication and any type of physical contact. I started growing tremendously without a utter of words on either side. We have spoken twice within that 7 month period. And those times she carried the FUCK out of me. Made me out to be the big bad wolf to her little friends. Made me out to be a horrible person to her flings. Made me out to be the bitch with no heart. And the stalkerish motives behind it all. In all actuality, the only reason I even would contact her was because I still cared and I wanted to make sure SHE was ok. It was also another occasion because I had a dream about her parents which made me question somethings. In the end, I was treated like a door mat. Walked all over until you couldnt even see the words on the mat anymore. I was torn down, humilated and destroyed on numerous occasions. But what made my blood boil today, and to be quite honest I didnt kno until I talked it over with my boo, it was because when i saw her face for the first time in 7 months, I thought back to the person i use to be. The woman that I use to be was a frail, bitter, confused, angry(still a lil angry), crutched, sensitive, needy and badly wounded. I had tolerated so much shit because I THOUGHT she was the first one to love me unconditionally, when she only loved me under circumstances. Circumstances that to this current date i can not figure out why i allowed such irrational behavior to ever exist. I lost who i was for two and a half years because i bent over backwards to make HER happy. I stopped dressing pretty, I stopped taking time out for self, I stopped my world. I started changing my appearance to suit her. I started trying to live my life the way she thought it should have. I did everything to give her what she wanted. I never thought about myself.

In the end, I cried today because I am happy of what i have become. I am not the same woman i was 7 months ago. I am so much better and more whole than I was when I had a woman in my life. I now appreciate life and love alot more. This time..ill finally love with real love..no limitations and no circumstances..real true..love..But at this moment, I'm doing something i should have a long time ago.. take time out for self. And i've never been happier than ever. Nothing can turn me away from happiness. Ive risen above the occasion and this is not the beginning. I prayed for the strength, and not only did I get that, but i got blessed to recieve wisdom in the long run. My blood boiled because I refuse to be that woman I use to be. I'm never apologizing for who I am inside. I love me.

To you,
I have manifested and procreated ways of division that only exists,
when a person has had it up to here with bullshit,
ive excused your actions and judgements,
ive held on to empty promises and broken words,
ive held on to endless lies and betrayal like a leech to a piece of flesh,
ive exited out those emotions with the same breathe i entered them with,

time and time again we as humans have the ability to hold on to so much baggage,
and then are the ones that complain when we are not happy within our own lives.
time and time again we as humans have the stance to say we are invincible to pain,
time and time again we as humans allow ourselves bicker and ridcule,
is it because we have yet to search what makes us whole,
not from a substance,
but whole from a being?

ive answered all those questions,
those equations,
those half assed theories,
and ive come up with this,
we are great nonetheless and we should exceed in just that..greatness
i am not perfect,
we are not perfect,
i do not hold the keys to your chest,
but i have molds to mold you into what society doesnt want you to be,

ive hid behind a mask for eternity,
ran around the tree like a school child,
touched the hearts of others,
jumped over the highest fences,
walked the longest miles,
beat up the smallest people,
scuffed the ugly,
killed the innocent,
murdered the dream,
and behind all those actions,
i have reaped what i sowed.

to you,
you see a bitterness,
to me,
i see a flower,
to you,
you see a crazy woman,
to me,
i see a burned and confused woman,
to you,
you see a beautiful face,
to me,
i see a beautiful soul,
to you,
the world revolves around you
to me,
the world revolves around greatness,
to you,
shes everything you have ever wanted,
to me,
it wouldnt explain your stares and long facedness.

ive seen it all before,
the many faces of pity,
the many looks of sorrow,
the many fronts of apologetic phrases,
the many walks of a bullshitter,
the many stances of a runner,
the many buildings that are moved by change and force,

i have overcome all things possible through my Lord and Savior,
for he has given me the main things ive asked,
guidance,
understanding,
depth,
courage,
love,
happiness,
genuinity,
passion,
drive,
success,
ambivalence,
positivity,
and more importantly,
a new beginning.

for you to look at me like you miss me,
for you to even shadow a thought process about me,
for you to size me up like i was a model or a flash of a camera,
for you to even still care,
for you to look like i killed your dog today,
for you to pay attention to my every move,
for you to allowed yourself to show any type of emotion in my direction,
the only thing i have to say to you is...
now you know what it feels like to be ignored.
now you know what it feels like to feel like everything done is in vain..
now you know what it feels like to be shitted on,
now you know what it does to a person when they are so fucked up in the head,
of lies and games played..

now you had your own medicine,
cant take it now?
feeling like the wall is closing down on you,
like i said before,
a lesson learned,
i am not the same woman you met two years ago,
i have blossomed into some thing that is amazingly and fearfully made,

i am the poster child for struggle,
i am the leader for tomorrow,
i am the bitch with the attitude,
i am the oldest sister of girls.
i am a lover of a woman.
i am a confidant to my best friend,
i am a stronger muse,
i am a intellectual,
i am a struggle for acceptance.
i am a leader for the future,
i am everything she wants to be..
i am everything you want to be..
i am everything you wish i could be again..

i am that woman,
who comforts,
supports,
hinders,
befriend,
love,
hate,
mistake,
i am that woman who you stared at,
i am that woman that stared you back,
but i am not that woman you met,
just two long years ago.
i am the real me,
the person you never got to met,
and never will get the pleasure to be graced with.
although i didnt humble myself enough to utter a word,
i humbled myself enough to not pay attention to your existance in my presence.

i too let the caged bird out,
i too held on to that woman at the ledge,
i too nursed that baby back to health,
i too held on strong for those who wanted to give up,
i too became the guidance to youth,
i too became..
everything you expected i wouldnt become...