lost and found..

i met a girl...
lookin in the lost and found box...
i asked..
my dear..
what are you looking for...
she says...
love...
i asked...love?
she replies...
yes...i lost the love i had for myself in this box..
its tangled up in a web full of contradictions..
lies and dismembered souls...
thought processes are here too...
just cant figure out which one to use...
memories are bestowed here...
kinda like a program you can uninstall...
or reinstall at your convenience..

i asked...
where did you last see it?
she says...
i saw it last on the monkey bars in fifth grade...
before i knew what heartache was...
before i had my first broken arm...
i saw it right there where i had my first kiss...
and where i had my first diss...

i asked...
how do you plan on restoring this item thats so dear to you..
she replied..
i cant..but i rather grab hold of it while i can...
because someones out to steal this from me...
you see..
theres always that one person who steals shine and hope...
they come in a form of a manipulator..
like a leech if you will...
suck you completely dry...
until u have run ur entire body down...
if i dont grab hold of my self love...
someone will...
and this...is golden...
even though i dont know how to handle it..
embrace it..
or acknowledge it...
i can try to maintain it...
and ill never abused it...

a tear fell in her eyes with the last word she spoke..
she hasteningly walked away...
with her cup of self love...
and a eye full of tears...
i challenge you today....
can you find ur self love again?
do you need to take a trip to the lost and found...

side faced.

we as humans have the ability to do one thing, judge. we have the ability to do another, adapt. ive had the priviledge to learn alot of things this past year that has made me into a very diversed person. ive had the ability to meet alot of really great people that have taught me things that the mind never shows. im fascinated with the minds of individuals because it shows you the things that people think and how they react to change and stress. although i am currently on hiatus from people, i decided to take time to reevaulate what i have learned in hopes of sharing that with others. i feel that my purpose in life is to share my thoughts and minds with the world in order to get people to understand the mindsets of individuals and to show themselves what their minds want to tell them. i can admit that im a victim of my mind. i always live inside my mind. to me its a way to understand the world. im a victim of wantin to know what everyone lives are at to see if i can help or how i can make a change. i feel that my purpose is to understand minds in order to deliver my work. you see, ive been a writer since i was a child. my goal in life is to own a magazine in order to help young girls realize their true worths. over the years ive been on the internet. and ive met alot of amazing people. majority of my situations have not been good however, ive learned that the basis of peoples mindsets are brought on from childhood. im fascinated with peoples backgrounds. which in a sense, would be the indications as to why i have so many friends from out of state. even though ive met alot of fucked u people, it still doesnt hinder me from trying to meet more people. everyone has a story to tell and im willing to listen. everyones story intrigues me and im grateful for the ability that God has blessed me with. intelligences appeases e and the majority of the friends that i do have, have been able to intellectually hold stimualting conversations and i havent been bias despite the fact that ive met screwed up people. the basis of the blog is for people to count their blessings and understand that every shape and form of a person is beautiful. ive met amazing people within the last few years that have changed my mind completely. ive met transgenders with a purpose to be who they want to be despite what others feel. ive met femmes who are sick and tired of their studs not understand what they want in a relationship. just because of the distance, doesnt mean that these people arent worth getting to know and understood. w are all people with a purpose and the desire to be more than what society has enabled us to become. i take great pride in having friends in different staes, different timezones because its a cultured atomsphere. thats what being in america is all about. becoming cultured. i refuse to treat someone differently despite their location or background. i refuse to judge anyone because i hate to be judged myself. let me tell you the reason behind this blog...

last night i was hit with something that changed my whole mindset on the people i do allow into my life. i dont keep many people close. i dont go out and have fun with alot of people. usually i sit at home and listen to music or write. thats the highlight of my night for me. while others that are my age are going out for drinks and going to clubs with groups of people. ive always been the type of person to be a loner. i had two friends consistently throughout high school and one childhood best friend that i keep in contact with once every six months or so. ive been on the internet on different websites since i was 16 or so. to me, the internet is a source of entertainment. there are alot of people that do take it serious. yes i have had relationships that ive met the person online and it has been a long distance relationship, however, those were times of my youth. my mom didnt want me to go out and do anything stupid as a teen because of the many things i had witnessed as a child. i havent had a internet found relationship since i was 18. my last one like that resulted in the girl being a fake and i was very naive to realize the signs were in front of me. ive overcome that embarrassment but last night it was thrown in my face by someone who i considered a very big person in my life. in the end, ive established great connections with people all over. not to fill a void, but to understand the minds of people all over. i wish that i could take a trip across all the states and countries and find out what makes people tick. what makes people smile and what their goals are. the closest ive gotten is the internet. people all over come together on different websites and either blog about their ideals or hold fascinating conversations about what they see through their eyes. the people i met in my area are not what i personally would associate with. surprisingly, there arent alot of people in the gay community for the reasons i am in this community. im a lesbian because i love women. my influences to become a lesbian wasnt because of a man hurting me or breaking my heart. being with men helped me realized that they werent what i wanted or desired to have. theres nothing wrong with me. im not the type of lesbian that feels that all men are dogs and are complete men haters. negative. i dnt have male friends but thats only because of the fact they try and "turn" me out in the process. another reason i dnt have friends in my area because they are either back and forth between their sexuality physically, or they want to fuck me or date me. it takes alot for me to fuck on the first date, hell it takes alot for me to entertain a dating situation with another person. im a very picky person. i dnt date everyone. the problem with my area is that all the femmes are known because she fucked or dated so and so. the doms are known for having all the femmes at one time. they date anything and whoever for whatever reason it is. popularity is a huge thing in this area and i dnt fit in. therefore i dnt mingle with this crowd. i keep to myself. everyone in this area likes to tease and make fun of people for the way they walk, talk, sing, act, or breathe. not my style. i dnt judge anyone that i dont know. hell i dnt even allow myself to degrade individuals with situations that i couldnt understand. the different between me and them is simple. IAMME. i dnt change for the stereotypes. i love what i love. i date femmes. i love females. i love myself and my sexuality. i love being cultured both mentally and physically. i love pussy but i dnt fuck just any pussy. i love my life despite how hectic it becomes. i love my community but i dont love what i see...

gimmie shade if u want to. im a product of my environment and my mind. cant noone change me or my mind. continue to show me shade because ill get back up eventually.

Bitterness Is Bittersweet .

Faces become unfamiliar ,
As the days past us ,
Time flies,
Stories lie,
Things change and rearrange,
Complications arise,
Excuses are brought to the table,
True feelings are put to the test,

Faiths are questioned,
Sought out and dissected,
Grounded and well-balanced,
For the next to come around,
Fates are broken down,
In simpliest terms,
Mathematically indifferent,
To the first equation we solved,

Love progresses,
With each passing of the day,
Boundaries are broken down,
Masked with indefinite emotions,
Thoughts are tranced attempts,
To regain true conscious efforts,
And hold on to what we know,
Screams are muffled,
Deep within the cries,
Of a sadistic love song,
Only heard by the two of us,

As time flies,
I still can't help but find things,
That make me remember your existence,
Yesterday it was paperwork,
Today it was my bear's certificate of life,
Monster and Boogie Bear,
Bounded together,
Faithfully your best friend,
I Miss you friend,
Where are you friend ?
Come out and play friend,
Dance with me friend,
Enjoy this wind's song friend,
Don't go friend,
I need you friend.

If only it was this easy.
Bitterness is bittersweet.