To You Laura

Laura,

From the time we met, to the time we start dating, i thought you was completely different from the rest. i never thought i would have spent the rest of my life with you or even thought for a second you was the one and i had hit the jackpot. now that i think about it, im not really sure why i even pursued you. there wasnt anything remotely about you that attracted me to you. i guess i was just lonely and had the ability to settle for nothing at all. because thats exactly what you gave me. nothing. yes we shared some great times, but quite frankly, they were all a lie. you had me believe that i had a solid friend in you, and come to find out, at any given moment, you was ready to throw me under the bus. you boasted about being a real friend to any and everybody but when it really came down to it, you wasnt a friend at all. a real friend would have let me know that my managers were sabotaging me with false registers and taking the money out of it. a real friend would have let me know even in slight details to watch my back when it came to those i worked with. a real friend wouldnt have seen me fall and not been there to catch me. now that i think about it, how could i think you would have been a real girlfriend if you couldnt even be a real friend to me. i found out about all of your lies and secrets, all your games and manipulations. i found out how much of a faulty person you really was to me. you sold me dreams like i was buying the lottery. i was young and naive. i thought that my investment in you was golden, but it wasnt even gold plated. too many times you would tell me to open up and trust you, and when i finally did, i got the worse slap in the face ever. i should have known not to trust you when you was cheating on the woman who you professed your undying love for with me. i should have known i was just a body that kept you warm at night when you really wanted to be with her or even the dude you was crushing on. i should have known i wasnt anything important to you when you would hide me from your roommate. although she knew i was there, you tried everything in your power to hide me. when we had sex, i had to be quiet with my moans. when we argued, you left me there to fend for myself emotionally. but what confuses me is everytime i would try and leave you, you would cry hard as if a knife was stabbing you repeatedly. how can you cry out for someone who you mistreat? i will never ever forget the words you said to me when you said that i would be a great wife to someone someday but that person wasnt you. and we were still romantically involved! any other woman who heard those words come out of your mouth would have left you right there standing by your damn self. but me, no. for some stupid reason i still stayed. i still let you use me. i still let you drain me with your lies, and false love. maybe now you know what love really is, but sadly im still in the balance trying to find out what love really is. its sad because i have the best love right in front of me and i continously push it away because i cant get out of my head and heart the many times you told me to trust you with my everything. if i really did, i would have been way more worse off than i am right now. i dont regret you, but i wish things happened different for my sake. honestly i have to say forget your feelings because you never gave a damn about mines. i have someone who actually gives a damn about my feelings but because i gave too much consideration of yours and i got deeply hurt, i cant even do that with her now because im scared. i could lose the love of my life to my insecurities that you made happen. your the reason why i walk around with my guard up and my walls stacked high. because for the years we dealt with each other, you told me so many times to not push you away because you wasnt here to hurt me. now i have someone who says the same exact shit you use to say and although i think she is genuine, i have a hard time of believing the shit because of the lies you told so frequently. if i wasnt what you wanted, why did you continue to keep me around? if i wasnt what you saw yourself settling down with for even a second, why keep me around? i guess i should have asked myself that same damn question because i never saw a future with you. the only reason why i tried to paint a future with you was because you forced my mind to. you use to build me up to tear me right back down. between you and my parents, yall destroyed my life. for years i have harbored on to this pain that i felt that you caused. too many times ive cried because of the things you did to me, the emotional rollercoaster you put me on. and yet too many times ive pushed away the one i love because of things she says that you use to say. the only different between you two is the fact that you wasnt true. and she is. but whats sad is, i have a hard time believing that she is true because of YOU! you showed me how truly fucked up you are when you became selfish one last time. the last time i spoke to you was the day after my best friends death, and once i told you what was going on, that was in fact the very last time i ever heard from you. and now it clicks. you were only there to fulfill whatever need YOU had. not a need that we BOTH might have had. everything was solely about you. it was never about an us or a we or even a me. again, i have someone who fulfills MY needs just as much as I fulfill hers. you wanna know how? because anything that makes me happy, makes her happy. anything that makes me sad, makes her sad. anything i need, she gives it to me with no hesitation, and what she gets from it is the satisfaction that she did great by me. she doesnt want much but yet you wanted the world. you knew i had trust issues yet you piled them on with more bullshit. but today is the day i let you go too. today is the day i swallow my bullshit and bite the bullet and say FUCK IT. never have i wished anything bad upon you and i will continue to not wish bad upon you. wherever you are i hope you are sound mind, body and soul. never have i said that because a person shamed me they shall pay, because life isnt something to be played with. ive played with mines too many times over the years and i have been stagnant in bullshit for years. i havent allowed myself to be happy in my relationship because i have held on to everything that i went through with you. the excuse that i have been hurt and blah blah blah is getting old. matter fact, it is old. YOU are old. i know wherever you are you are not thinking about me. but yet i have wasted years crying over you. enough is enough. im taking back my broken heart and finally healing. thank you for all the lessons you taught me. i look forward for many more, just not with anything to d with you. goodbye to the faulted past that had you in it.