To You Dad...

Dad,

Every fathers day I am sad because you was never a father to me. Every year in school when we made fathers day cards, i made one for you in hopes to be able to one day give it to you. Everyday of my life up until i lost hope, i would wake up hoping to see your face. I thought about all the events in my life that should have had a father in it. All of my award ceremonies, all of my games, recitals, birthdays, christmases, graduations, proms, and everything else that was sentimental. Every year my birthday came, i made a wish when i blew out my candles. That wish was that you would magically appear. As a child, i wished magicians was real, and fairies were real, just so that i could find one and ask them to grant my wish for your existence in my life. theres no real words that i can find to tell you how hurt i am that you wasnt apart of anything to do with me. you dont know my favorite color, favorite food, or anything i like. you never washed scraped knee or kissed a boo boo better. you never was there to tell me how pretty i looked today or how my day was at school. you never showed you cared, therefore, i figured you didnt. For years i cried myself to sleep because i just wanted to know why you didnt love me. if you loved me so much, you wouldnt have left me. my last memory of you prior to seeing you a few years ago was when i was five years old. you bought me my favorite doll for my birthday present. you was there with me to cut my cake and even made me feel better when i started to cry because i was afraid of the candles. you told me how pretty my outfit was and gave me the biggest hug and told me happy birthday. i got the nickname princess from you. and i carried it high as hell too. until you disappeared without a trace. you left me confused and hurt. you destroyed my childhood with your disappearance. you let this man come in my life and abuse me for years because you was nonexistent in my life. i wouldnt have a broken self esteem if you was there in my life. but you disappointed me. it hurts that my brothers and sisters had you in their lives for years. you got to see them grow up, marry, and have kids. yet ME, your so called princess, was left in the dust. i should have had you dad. i should have been able to say i HAVE A DAD and NOT A SPERM DONOR. i have no tears left because ive cried too many times over your disappearance. when i saw you again when i was fifteen, i couldnt even treasure what moment we did spend because i had so many unanswered questions. i never even got to ask you why you left in the first place because just as quick as you reentered my life, is how quick you reexited out of my life. you teased me for two weeks with your presence and then again, left. i heard the reason why you left was because you didnt have any money to give me. if you really think you can buy your daughters love with money you must be a fool. daughters arent gold diggers. they are your seed. they love you when your rich or poor, healthy or sick. i cant even say if i look like you because your entrance back in my life was so quick it was a blur. you let alcohol and whatever drug you was on deter you from being a father to me. i guess you think that the kids after me was ok with you not being in their lives so i should be to right? i cant speak for them because i havent even met them. but i can speak for myself and you are a fool again. i cant even say if i have any siblings that look like me because i never met them! how can i have nine brothers and sisters and only have a picture with two of them/ and i was a baby. you fucked my life up. you fucked my brain up. from your absence has made me a cold person. a person who doesnt feel that anyone should be in my life because they are just going to vanish like you did. you had me thinking for years that something must be wrong with me because you just disappeared. was i not pretty enough? was i not good enough to have you for a father/ did you regret me? so many things comes to mind when i think about you. i get envious of my baby brother because he has his father. i was envious of my sisters because they had their father growing up. what did i have? dudes that tried to be my father but failed. dudes not even wanting to be bothered with my mother because she had a daughter with no father and they felt that they would have to be that father for me. i didnt want them as my father though. i wanted the man who made the reason why i am here today to be my father. my mother didnt attend my high school graduation which was horrible, but it was even more horrible knowing that you wouldnt even be there for the experience either. i cant stress to you how bad you hurt me by not being in my life. you wasnt there to play protector like i see on tv shows, how dads are protector over their daughters when they go out on dates or anything. you wasnt there to teach me how to ride a bike. i had to teach myself. you wasnt there to tell me that boys were knuckleheads and not to be bothered with them until i was 80. although i am not a heterosexual woman, it would have been nice to hear that anyways. you wasnt there to take me out for ice cream or pick up from school. you wasnt there when i won numerous awards for academics or creativity. you dont even know what im doing in my life right now as we speak. you dont know what i got awards for in school or what my passion is. you dont know a thing about me except for the name i have and what i look like. you dont even know if im breathing, eating, functioning or anything. thats sad and its absolutely horrible. ive remained stagnant in my life because i have harbored so many feelings towards you that its unreal. i have let my life past me by because of the hurt and disappointment i have felt because of you. today is the day though that i release and relinquish the control you have had on my life and my emotions. today is the day i make you dead in my spirit, because for years i have had you living inside me hoping and praying you would arise but to no avail, you dont. so this is my final goodbye to you dad, whether you are still walking this earth or resting in peace in your final resting place, this is goodbye forever. goodbye to the dreams that you would come back in my life for good, goodbye to the hopes that you were a changed man with a changed heart, goodbye to the tears ive cried because of your nonexistence, and goodbye to you as a whole. one thing i can say positive is that you taught me something very valuable. never punish others because of fools mistakes. and ive been punishing some real awesome people for your fool mistakes. never no more though.