To You Candace..

Candace,

You left my life a year ago, on May 3rd 2010. my life changed dramatically when you left. i cried so many tears that i never even thought i had. never in a million years did i think someone impacted my life as much as you had. you was my best friend but my sister first. when i was a kid, i use to dream of the days where i would have a sister that was my age. we could go shopping together and tell secrets together. we would cry together and laugh together. we would get in trouble together and fight together. everything i just said about a we would, we did. i remember when i met you junior year in high school. it was in ms eaton class where we started our legacy. you sat at the same table as me and looked at me while my head looked down. before then, i always walked the halls with no confidence, held my head down so noone would look in my direction. that made the kids tease me even more because they smelled my fear and my low self esteem. noone knew that i was battling severe depression and a horrible past. but you looked past all of that and said really loud to me, "we are going to be friends". i didnt take you serious because you was one of the popular kids. and the last time a popular kid in that school paid me any mind was to befriend me to make fun of me, make me the laughing stock of the school. but you was different. you was candace nicole. the sweetest girl in school, but the mentality of a diva queen. over the course of junior year we shared everything. you taught me how to dress like one of the popular kids. the latest songs the popular kids listened to. even the slang terms that they used. you took me under your wing as your protege but friend as well. you slowly helped to me to find a friend in you. by the end of junior year, you helped me become a teenager. i skipped school for the first time, went to real house party for the first time, and actually got the confidence to speak to other people. when senior year came, we were inseperable. you had your crew in junior year but when senior year came, you left them for me. i was there when your dad passed away and that was the first time i actually saw you cry. junior year i use to cover for you, get your homework or talk to you in class to make it seem like you wasnt on the phone with leon. or i skipped school with you so you could see leon because you didnt want to go alone. but those days of skipping school taught me something, to live on the wild side a little bit. over the years prior to meeting you i was on restricted mode. my mother kept serious tabs on me and i couldnt even breathe. so when the invitations to skip came up, i took them because i never got to experience anything else as a teenager. by homecoming, we were officially best friends. we both were in the homecoming parade together. you was in the poms sections and i was in the cheerleading section of the parade. you stayed to watch me cheer at the homecoming game and afterwards took me to your house and forced me to go put on a dress and go to the homecoming dance. if it wasnt for you, i wouldnt have ever went. im glad you made me go though, because thats one of the memories i cherish when i think about you. prom time came and i had a blast with you and jenese. i remember when i was yearbook editor our senior year, i wrote a shoutout to you and jenese and said that im glad to have yall in my life and i cant wait until we spend eternity together as best friends. graduation came, and you again saved me from myself. when my mom didnt come to my graduation and i found out before we went out for our ceremony, you gave me the biggest hug that your little body could muster and told me that it was going to be ok because i was making my own memories. after graduation you walked out holding my hand as we went to greet family. you kissed my cheek as my tears fell when i didnt see my mom and whispered to me that you loved me and that i was the bestest friend you ever had. years later, i never ever thought that memory would stick and make such an impact in my life. years later, i never thought i would be living a life without my candy cane in it. you were there when noone else was. when i cried, you cried. we cried together. when i laughed, you laughed. we laughed together. i remember when i hired you as one of my managers for my store. all the many trips for food we made. all the laughs and giggles we shared that filled the store. all the many disses we said about people under our breaths. all the memories. memories is all i have of you now. all i will ever have of you. i loved you as my friend but forever as my sister. when you had legend, i was estatic. you allowed me to be a godmommy for the first time. you gave me a precious gift. when you was planning for your wedding, you gave me the honor of being your head bridesmaid. lil kimmy was to be the maid of honor. btw she has grown up to be a great young woman and you would have been so proud. kimmie graduated this year exactly a day after we did, five years ago. then you gave me zion as a second godbaby. you made my life whole and i doubt you even knew. i hope you did. the last time i spoke to you was two weeks before your death. and you told me that you loved me so much and you was happy to have a sister like me. you said it didnt matter we were blood, we shared something deeper than blood. i loved you for your smile and grace. i loved you for your heart and poise. i loved you for you candace nicole. your death shook me deeply and left me confused. how could the one person i finally learned to trust completely and the person who had my back even when i didnt, just die? im still confused because we had so much plans. we planned on growing old together, being apart of our weddings together, so much plans. now im here to fend for myself and your gone. but im glad your not suffering anymore. im so sorry how you left this earth, scared and in pain, but i know you are healed and sound. God had a purpose for you in his kingdom and im so fortunate to have known you for as long as i did. life is so different without you, for a year it almost felt not even real. i felt like a zombie, still kinda do. i know you are disappointed in me for carrying on the way i did after your death, mopping and mourning your death. but what was i suppose to do? you gave me everything i ever wanted. you gave me hope that friendships truly do exist. you gave me love like a sister and love like a best friend. you gave me you, and im so fortunate to call you my sister and best friend. words cant describe how much i miss your presence but i try to hold on to the memories because thats all that i do have left of you. i miss you like shit and i wish you never left, but i know God wanted you close to your daddy. you was always a daddys girl. we miss you here, but deep down inside we know your real purpose in heaven. just keep shinning down on us and send us your love through the wind. i love you candace. forever and ever my best friend.