Twisted Fate

I sit here examining how and where I went wrong in this situation,
For now I am the person who wants to be open,
While the other is closed off,
I'm sitting here with egg on my face,
Like a person who expected a slight change,
Or maybe a way back into the world we use to be in,

But I've learned now that was a wasted though,
Emotion,
Feeling,
I can't believe I fell for the thoughts,
I cant believe I fell for the hype,
Convinced that things were headed in a more positive direction,
But now I know that I was just in my head,
Assuming that there had to be a light bulb,
That went off in their head,

But now I see that was not the case,
And now I'm getting a dose of my own medicine,
Boy doesn't it taste horrible,
Its bitter,
Cold,
Dry,
Gag Reflexes are in.
I can't stand the taste.
It is the absolute worst tasting medicine I have ever received in my entire life.

I can't stand the way society works out,
People are so badly scorned that,
Their own faith in humanity is completely gone,
There's no faith in falling in love,
There's no faith in being in a monogamous relationship,
There's absolutely no attempt to maintain substance,
Hell,
Even attract substance to someone!

People are content with the ideals of fucking and not being in love,
Laying down with anyone that will have them,
Simply because of the fact that,
They do not believe that they could,
And should want better!
I guess sex is some sort of remedy of brokenhearted syndrome,
Or maybe sex is heavily confused with or associated with...
LOVE!
I'm sure you knew that was coming.
Majority men attribute a woman loving him if she gives him sex,
A woman thinks a man will love her if she has sex with him when he requests it,
We live in a society that this is okay,
And that this is normal,

I wish the real people would just awaken,
So we can show the world,
What false illusions they have set in their minds...

To You .

To you,
I have manifested and procreated ways of division that only exists,
when a person has had it up to here with bullshit,
ive excused your actions and judgements,
ive held on to empty promises and broken words,
ive held on to endless lies and betrayal like a leech to a piece of flesh,
ive exited out those emotions with the same breathe i entered them with,

time and time again we as humans have the ability to hold on to so much baggage,
and then are the ones that complain when we are not happy within our own lives.
time and time again we as humans have the stance to say we are invincible to pain,
time and time again we as humans allow ourselves bicker and ridcule,
is it because we have yet to search what makes us whole,
not from a substance,
but whole from a being?

ive answered all those questions,
those equations,
those half assed theories,
and ive come up with this,
we are great nonetheless and we should exceed in just that..greatness
i am not perfect,
we are not perfect,
i do not hold the keys to your chest,
but i have molds to mold you into what society doesnt want you to be,

ive hid behind a mask for eternity,
ran around the tree like a school child,
touched the hearts of others,
jumped over the highest fences,
walked the longest miles,
beat up the smallest people,
scuffed the ugly,
killed the innocent,
murdered the dream,
and behind all those actions,
i have reaped what i sowed.

to you,
you see a bitterness,
to me,
i see a flower,
to you,
you see a crazy woman,
to me,
i see a burned and confused woman,
to you,
you see a beautiful face,
to me,
i see a beautiful soul,
to you,
the world revolves around you
to me,
the world revolves around greatness,
to you,
shes everything you have ever wanted,
to me,
it wouldnt explain your stares and long facedness.

ive seen it all before,
the many faces of pity,
the many looks of sorrow,
the many fronts of apologetic phrases,
the many walks of a bullshitter,
the many stances of a runner,
the many buildings that are moved by change and force,

i have overcome all things possible through my Lord and Savior,
for he has given me the main things ive asked,
guidance,
understanding,
depth,
courage,
love,
happiness,
genuinity,
passion,
drive,
success,
ambivalence,
positivity,
and more importantly,
a new beginning.

for you to look at me like you miss me,
for you to even shadow a thought process about me,
for you to size me up like i was a model or a flash of a camera,
for you to even still care,
for you to look like i killed your dog today,
for you to pay attention to my every move,
for you to allowed yourself to show any type of emotion in my direction,
the only thing i have to say to you is...
now you know what it feels like to be ignored.
now you know what it feels like to feel like everything done is in vain..
now you know what it feels like to be shitted on,
now you know what it does to a person when they are so fucked up in the head,
of lies and games played..

now you had your own medicine,
cant take it now?
feeling like the wall is closing down on you,
like i said before,
a lesson learned,
i am not the same woman you met two years ago,
i have blossomed into some thing that is amazingly and fearfully made,

i am the poster child for struggle,
i am the leader for tomorrow,
i am the bitch with the attitude,
i am the oldest sister of girls.
i am a lover of a woman.
i am a confidant to my best friend,
i am a stronger muse,
i am a intellectual,
i am a struggle for acceptance.
i am a leader for the future,
i am everything she wants to be..
i am everything you want to be..
i am everything you wish i could be again..

i am that woman,
who comforts,
supports,
hinders,
befriend,
love,
hate,
mistake,
i am that woman who you stared at,
i am that woman that stared you back,
but i am not that woman you met,
just two long years ago.
i am the real me,
the person you never got to met,
and never will get the pleasure to be graced with.
although i didnt humble myself enough to utter a word,
i humbled myself enough to not pay attention to your existance in my presence.

i too let the caged bird out,
i too held on to that woman at the ledge,
i too nursed that baby back to health,
i too held on strong for those who wanted to give up,
i too became the guidance to youth,
i too became..
everything you expected i wouldnt become...

To You Candace..

Candace,

You left my life a year ago, on May 3rd 2010. my life changed dramatically when you left. i cried so many tears that i never even thought i had. never in a million years did i think someone impacted my life as much as you had. you was my best friend but my sister first. when i was a kid, i use to dream of the days where i would have a sister that was my age. we could go shopping together and tell secrets together. we would cry together and laugh together. we would get in trouble together and fight together. everything i just said about a we would, we did. i remember when i met you junior year in high school. it was in ms eaton class where we started our legacy. you sat at the same table as me and looked at me while my head looked down. before then, i always walked the halls with no confidence, held my head down so noone would look in my direction. that made the kids tease me even more because they smelled my fear and my low self esteem. noone knew that i was battling severe depression and a horrible past. but you looked past all of that and said really loud to me, "we are going to be friends". i didnt take you serious because you was one of the popular kids. and the last time a popular kid in that school paid me any mind was to befriend me to make fun of me, make me the laughing stock of the school. but you was different. you was candace nicole. the sweetest girl in school, but the mentality of a diva queen. over the course of junior year we shared everything. you taught me how to dress like one of the popular kids. the latest songs the popular kids listened to. even the slang terms that they used. you took me under your wing as your protege but friend as well. you slowly helped to me to find a friend in you. by the end of junior year, you helped me become a teenager. i skipped school for the first time, went to real house party for the first time, and actually got the confidence to speak to other people. when senior year came, we were inseperable. you had your crew in junior year but when senior year came, you left them for me. i was there when your dad passed away and that was the first time i actually saw you cry. junior year i use to cover for you, get your homework or talk to you in class to make it seem like you wasnt on the phone with leon. or i skipped school with you so you could see leon because you didnt want to go alone. but those days of skipping school taught me something, to live on the wild side a little bit. over the years prior to meeting you i was on restricted mode. my mother kept serious tabs on me and i couldnt even breathe. so when the invitations to skip came up, i took them because i never got to experience anything else as a teenager. by homecoming, we were officially best friends. we both were in the homecoming parade together. you was in the poms sections and i was in the cheerleading section of the parade. you stayed to watch me cheer at the homecoming game and afterwards took me to your house and forced me to go put on a dress and go to the homecoming dance. if it wasnt for you, i wouldnt have ever went. im glad you made me go though, because thats one of the memories i cherish when i think about you. prom time came and i had a blast with you and jenese. i remember when i was yearbook editor our senior year, i wrote a shoutout to you and jenese and said that im glad to have yall in my life and i cant wait until we spend eternity together as best friends. graduation came, and you again saved me from myself. when my mom didnt come to my graduation and i found out before we went out for our ceremony, you gave me the biggest hug that your little body could muster and told me that it was going to be ok because i was making my own memories. after graduation you walked out holding my hand as we went to greet family. you kissed my cheek as my tears fell when i didnt see my mom and whispered to me that you loved me and that i was the bestest friend you ever had. years later, i never ever thought that memory would stick and make such an impact in my life. years later, i never thought i would be living a life without my candy cane in it. you were there when noone else was. when i cried, you cried. we cried together. when i laughed, you laughed. we laughed together. i remember when i hired you as one of my managers for my store. all the many trips for food we made. all the laughs and giggles we shared that filled the store. all the many disses we said about people under our breaths. all the memories. memories is all i have of you now. all i will ever have of you. i loved you as my friend but forever as my sister. when you had legend, i was estatic. you allowed me to be a godmommy for the first time. you gave me a precious gift. when you was planning for your wedding, you gave me the honor of being your head bridesmaid. lil kimmy was to be the maid of honor. btw she has grown up to be a great young woman and you would have been so proud. kimmie graduated this year exactly a day after we did, five years ago. then you gave me zion as a second godbaby. you made my life whole and i doubt you even knew. i hope you did. the last time i spoke to you was two weeks before your death. and you told me that you loved me so much and you was happy to have a sister like me. you said it didnt matter we were blood, we shared something deeper than blood. i loved you for your smile and grace. i loved you for your heart and poise. i loved you for you candace nicole. your death shook me deeply and left me confused. how could the one person i finally learned to trust completely and the person who had my back even when i didnt, just die? im still confused because we had so much plans. we planned on growing old together, being apart of our weddings together, so much plans. now im here to fend for myself and your gone. but im glad your not suffering anymore. im so sorry how you left this earth, scared and in pain, but i know you are healed and sound. God had a purpose for you in his kingdom and im so fortunate to have known you for as long as i did. life is so different without you, for a year it almost felt not even real. i felt like a zombie, still kinda do. i know you are disappointed in me for carrying on the way i did after your death, mopping and mourning your death. but what was i suppose to do? you gave me everything i ever wanted. you gave me hope that friendships truly do exist. you gave me love like a sister and love like a best friend. you gave me you, and im so fortunate to call you my sister and best friend. words cant describe how much i miss your presence but i try to hold on to the memories because thats all that i do have left of you. i miss you like shit and i wish you never left, but i know God wanted you close to your daddy. you was always a daddys girl. we miss you here, but deep down inside we know your real purpose in heaven. just keep shinning down on us and send us your love through the wind. i love you candace. forever and ever my best friend.

To You Amanda..

Amanda,

where do i begin? you was my ace. my best friend. my homie. my ride or die. my everything. you was the epitome of the friendship i longed for. the best friend who would go places with me. the best friend that knew exactly how i felt even without me saying a word. the best friend who introduced me to a world i knew nothing of. deceit close up. i carried you in my spirit believe it or not. i hung on to your every word, every move, and every sound you made. i thought after years of battling lonliness i could say that i stamped and got a great friend. although i always had my other ace, you was the one i spent all my time with. we had everything in common, down to the way we thought. but as time went by, we grew more and more different mentally. i was the compassionate and analytical thinker with no real motive against people, and you was the vindictive, cold hearted person who didnt have a care in the world. you tried to get me to be just like you, but to no avail. you didnt want a future with a woman, but i did. relationships doesnt mean a thing to me yet they are gold in my world. i gave you pieces and pieces of my existence and you only gave me fragments of yours. i considered you my best friend yet you considered me a great friend. only used the term best friend when you was trying to make certain people jealous. when i really think about it, you never value the people in your life. your best friend before me, you kicked her to the curb simply because she wasnt growing like you were. instead of giving her the tools, you dumped her. and then came to me. karma is a bitch because you whine and complain that i dumped you for my girl. no no no sweety. im not you. the real reason why i cut you off is because we grew apart. you stopped playing the best friend role long before my girl got into the mix. you became secretive, like we never told each other whats going on with our lives in the past. you became nonexistant. yet when you got back home, i guess you expected for things to go back to normal. when my best friend died, you really wasnt there for me to call on for support. i went through her funeral and the first weeks without you physically and emotionally. when my girl came into the mix, you was already nonexistant, but because of the love i had for you, i still had a glimmer of hope things would be different one day. but you showed me different. you tried and slander my name to a mutual friend. i guess you thought i would never find out. always remember that whats done in the dark always come to light. thats how i found out about your ways. its sad that i gave you so many opportunities to correct your mistakes and you didnt do anything about it. whats even more sad is the fact that you told me what exactly you was doing wrong with our friendship and even promised to fix it, all for you to dip anyways in the end. and blame it on me. how convenient. there was so many warning signs that you wasnt the friend for me. but ive always been the optimistic soul. i see the good in people even when they dont see it in themselves. i want you to know that i treasured our friendship very much and it didnt matter if i had a girl or not. however, i think you lost your mind if you thought that you would come before love. never were you happy for me and thats why i said you wouldnt come before love. if i had your complete support, things would have surely been different. but thats not what happened so im not going to dwele on the what ifs anymore. the fact remains that you wasnt what i needed and i got tired of being what you needed. i harbor bad feelings towards you because im disappointed in how things went. but i should have known this was going to happen because you do this with everyone in your life. therefore in the end, i didnt take it personal at all. i chalked it up to you as a person and went on with my life. i didnt lose any sleep and i didnt cry a single tear. you are you and i am me. two completely different people. in the beginning, we were the same exact person. now, we are complete strangers. never thought i would have a day without you in my life but it has been a year since you havent been in my life. and although ive been through a rocky year, i think i would be worse off if i still knew you. however, in saying all of that, i dont wish bad upon you either. things happen for a reason and people are brought in your life for a season. i always felt that we wouldnt be best friends forever, and i always felt deep down inside that you and i was only in each others lives because we shared a common situation that neither one of us knew how to deal with. we grew together with our situations and grew apart when our lives called for other fulfillments. nonetheless i am grateful for what lessons you taught me and grateful to have known you. although i had bad feelings, im letting them go once and for all. thank you for being my lesson. goodbye to our funny moments, goodbye to our trips down memory lane, goodbye to our tearing the club up days, goodbye to the single life we shared, goodbye to the tears we did cry, goodbye to the closeness we shared, goodbye to you...goodbye to our best friendship..

To You Laura

Laura,

From the time we met, to the time we start dating, i thought you was completely different from the rest. i never thought i would have spent the rest of my life with you or even thought for a second you was the one and i had hit the jackpot. now that i think about it, im not really sure why i even pursued you. there wasnt anything remotely about you that attracted me to you. i guess i was just lonely and had the ability to settle for nothing at all. because thats exactly what you gave me. nothing. yes we shared some great times, but quite frankly, they were all a lie. you had me believe that i had a solid friend in you, and come to find out, at any given moment, you was ready to throw me under the bus. you boasted about being a real friend to any and everybody but when it really came down to it, you wasnt a friend at all. a real friend would have let me know that my managers were sabotaging me with false registers and taking the money out of it. a real friend would have let me know even in slight details to watch my back when it came to those i worked with. a real friend wouldnt have seen me fall and not been there to catch me. now that i think about it, how could i think you would have been a real girlfriend if you couldnt even be a real friend to me. i found out about all of your lies and secrets, all your games and manipulations. i found out how much of a faulty person you really was to me. you sold me dreams like i was buying the lottery. i was young and naive. i thought that my investment in you was golden, but it wasnt even gold plated. too many times you would tell me to open up and trust you, and when i finally did, i got the worse slap in the face ever. i should have known not to trust you when you was cheating on the woman who you professed your undying love for with me. i should have known i was just a body that kept you warm at night when you really wanted to be with her or even the dude you was crushing on. i should have known i wasnt anything important to you when you would hide me from your roommate. although she knew i was there, you tried everything in your power to hide me. when we had sex, i had to be quiet with my moans. when we argued, you left me there to fend for myself emotionally. but what confuses me is everytime i would try and leave you, you would cry hard as if a knife was stabbing you repeatedly. how can you cry out for someone who you mistreat? i will never ever forget the words you said to me when you said that i would be a great wife to someone someday but that person wasnt you. and we were still romantically involved! any other woman who heard those words come out of your mouth would have left you right there standing by your damn self. but me, no. for some stupid reason i still stayed. i still let you use me. i still let you drain me with your lies, and false love. maybe now you know what love really is, but sadly im still in the balance trying to find out what love really is. its sad because i have the best love right in front of me and i continously push it away because i cant get out of my head and heart the many times you told me to trust you with my everything. if i really did, i would have been way more worse off than i am right now. i dont regret you, but i wish things happened different for my sake. honestly i have to say forget your feelings because you never gave a damn about mines. i have someone who actually gives a damn about my feelings but because i gave too much consideration of yours and i got deeply hurt, i cant even do that with her now because im scared. i could lose the love of my life to my insecurities that you made happen. your the reason why i walk around with my guard up and my walls stacked high. because for the years we dealt with each other, you told me so many times to not push you away because you wasnt here to hurt me. now i have someone who says the same exact shit you use to say and although i think she is genuine, i have a hard time of believing the shit because of the lies you told so frequently. if i wasnt what you wanted, why did you continue to keep me around? if i wasnt what you saw yourself settling down with for even a second, why keep me around? i guess i should have asked myself that same damn question because i never saw a future with you. the only reason why i tried to paint a future with you was because you forced my mind to. you use to build me up to tear me right back down. between you and my parents, yall destroyed my life. for years i have harbored on to this pain that i felt that you caused. too many times ive cried because of the things you did to me, the emotional rollercoaster you put me on. and yet too many times ive pushed away the one i love because of things she says that you use to say. the only different between you two is the fact that you wasnt true. and she is. but whats sad is, i have a hard time believing that she is true because of YOU! you showed me how truly fucked up you are when you became selfish one last time. the last time i spoke to you was the day after my best friends death, and once i told you what was going on, that was in fact the very last time i ever heard from you. and now it clicks. you were only there to fulfill whatever need YOU had. not a need that we BOTH might have had. everything was solely about you. it was never about an us or a we or even a me. again, i have someone who fulfills MY needs just as much as I fulfill hers. you wanna know how? because anything that makes me happy, makes her happy. anything that makes me sad, makes her sad. anything i need, she gives it to me with no hesitation, and what she gets from it is the satisfaction that she did great by me. she doesnt want much but yet you wanted the world. you knew i had trust issues yet you piled them on with more bullshit. but today is the day i let you go too. today is the day i swallow my bullshit and bite the bullet and say FUCK IT. never have i wished anything bad upon you and i will continue to not wish bad upon you. wherever you are i hope you are sound mind, body and soul. never have i said that because a person shamed me they shall pay, because life isnt something to be played with. ive played with mines too many times over the years and i have been stagnant in bullshit for years. i havent allowed myself to be happy in my relationship because i have held on to everything that i went through with you. the excuse that i have been hurt and blah blah blah is getting old. matter fact, it is old. YOU are old. i know wherever you are you are not thinking about me. but yet i have wasted years crying over you. enough is enough. im taking back my broken heart and finally healing. thank you for all the lessons you taught me. i look forward for many more, just not with anything to d with you. goodbye to the faulted past that had you in it.

To You Dad...

Dad,

Every fathers day I am sad because you was never a father to me. Every year in school when we made fathers day cards, i made one for you in hopes to be able to one day give it to you. Everyday of my life up until i lost hope, i would wake up hoping to see your face. I thought about all the events in my life that should have had a father in it. All of my award ceremonies, all of my games, recitals, birthdays, christmases, graduations, proms, and everything else that was sentimental. Every year my birthday came, i made a wish when i blew out my candles. That wish was that you would magically appear. As a child, i wished magicians was real, and fairies were real, just so that i could find one and ask them to grant my wish for your existence in my life. theres no real words that i can find to tell you how hurt i am that you wasnt apart of anything to do with me. you dont know my favorite color, favorite food, or anything i like. you never washed scraped knee or kissed a boo boo better. you never was there to tell me how pretty i looked today or how my day was at school. you never showed you cared, therefore, i figured you didnt. For years i cried myself to sleep because i just wanted to know why you didnt love me. if you loved me so much, you wouldnt have left me. my last memory of you prior to seeing you a few years ago was when i was five years old. you bought me my favorite doll for my birthday present. you was there with me to cut my cake and even made me feel better when i started to cry because i was afraid of the candles. you told me how pretty my outfit was and gave me the biggest hug and told me happy birthday. i got the nickname princess from you. and i carried it high as hell too. until you disappeared without a trace. you left me confused and hurt. you destroyed my childhood with your disappearance. you let this man come in my life and abuse me for years because you was nonexistent in my life. i wouldnt have a broken self esteem if you was there in my life. but you disappointed me. it hurts that my brothers and sisters had you in their lives for years. you got to see them grow up, marry, and have kids. yet ME, your so called princess, was left in the dust. i should have had you dad. i should have been able to say i HAVE A DAD and NOT A SPERM DONOR. i have no tears left because ive cried too many times over your disappearance. when i saw you again when i was fifteen, i couldnt even treasure what moment we did spend because i had so many unanswered questions. i never even got to ask you why you left in the first place because just as quick as you reentered my life, is how quick you reexited out of my life. you teased me for two weeks with your presence and then again, left. i heard the reason why you left was because you didnt have any money to give me. if you really think you can buy your daughters love with money you must be a fool. daughters arent gold diggers. they are your seed. they love you when your rich or poor, healthy or sick. i cant even say if i look like you because your entrance back in my life was so quick it was a blur. you let alcohol and whatever drug you was on deter you from being a father to me. i guess you think that the kids after me was ok with you not being in their lives so i should be to right? i cant speak for them because i havent even met them. but i can speak for myself and you are a fool again. i cant even say if i have any siblings that look like me because i never met them! how can i have nine brothers and sisters and only have a picture with two of them/ and i was a baby. you fucked my life up. you fucked my brain up. from your absence has made me a cold person. a person who doesnt feel that anyone should be in my life because they are just going to vanish like you did. you had me thinking for years that something must be wrong with me because you just disappeared. was i not pretty enough? was i not good enough to have you for a father/ did you regret me? so many things comes to mind when i think about you. i get envious of my baby brother because he has his father. i was envious of my sisters because they had their father growing up. what did i have? dudes that tried to be my father but failed. dudes not even wanting to be bothered with my mother because she had a daughter with no father and they felt that they would have to be that father for me. i didnt want them as my father though. i wanted the man who made the reason why i am here today to be my father. my mother didnt attend my high school graduation which was horrible, but it was even more horrible knowing that you wouldnt even be there for the experience either. i cant stress to you how bad you hurt me by not being in my life. you wasnt there to play protector like i see on tv shows, how dads are protector over their daughters when they go out on dates or anything. you wasnt there to teach me how to ride a bike. i had to teach myself. you wasnt there to tell me that boys were knuckleheads and not to be bothered with them until i was 80. although i am not a heterosexual woman, it would have been nice to hear that anyways. you wasnt there to take me out for ice cream or pick up from school. you wasnt there when i won numerous awards for academics or creativity. you dont even know what im doing in my life right now as we speak. you dont know what i got awards for in school or what my passion is. you dont know a thing about me except for the name i have and what i look like. you dont even know if im breathing, eating, functioning or anything. thats sad and its absolutely horrible. ive remained stagnant in my life because i have harbored so many feelings towards you that its unreal. i have let my life past me by because of the hurt and disappointment i have felt because of you. today is the day though that i release and relinquish the control you have had on my life and my emotions. today is the day i make you dead in my spirit, because for years i have had you living inside me hoping and praying you would arise but to no avail, you dont. so this is my final goodbye to you dad, whether you are still walking this earth or resting in peace in your final resting place, this is goodbye forever. goodbye to the dreams that you would come back in my life for good, goodbye to the hopes that you were a changed man with a changed heart, goodbye to the tears ive cried because of your nonexistence, and goodbye to you as a whole. one thing i can say positive is that you taught me something very valuable. never punish others because of fools mistakes. and ive been punishing some real awesome people for your fool mistakes. never no more though.

To You Mom..

Mom,

For as long as I can remember, you have been the center of my universe. You were the person i looked up to for strength, wisdom, and understanding. You were my father and my mother for as long as i can remember. In the beginning, I was your pride and joy. I remember going to Caribbean carvnivals and festivals with you and my godmother. Showing me off and always saying how pretty I was. It was always you and I. Noone else. Then you married that man and I lost you. You had my sisters and i lost you even more. I stopped being your pride and joy. I stopped being the one you spent all your time with. I guess as a young mother you didnt know how to make time for all parties in your life. But nonetheless i still loved you the same. and i still admired you the same way i did as a child. The problems became when you became depressed. you stopped showing everyone your great smile and awesome personality. you just stiffled yourself and everyone around you. I understand you had a past from hell. But you originally never let that defeat you. Things changed between us when I was raped. I couldnt tell you because i thought you had too much on your plate. Your depression was through the roof and I couldnt tell you and break what little spirit you had left. So i didnt tell a soul. I kept it inside for years. Eventually it started to eat away at me, taking what little innocence i had left. Things changed before that though, when your husband started to abuse me. You never stopped him. Why? You allowed him to play that "daddy" role yet he didnt even deserve it. Too many times you have witnessed his mental and emotional abuse but you didnt stop it. Yes he did the same to you, but you was suppose to protect me and you didnt. Years later, I am scarred because I cant even tell myself that I am a good person. Because for so many years, I was compared to every little kid. I was made to feel that i wasnt good enough to even live. You was there when he compared me to a child that isnt even his child. You was there when he ridiculed me and embarrassed me about every little aspect of my being. For that, I am ashamed of who i am deep inside. The many years i spent being depressed was at the mercy of that man. Yet, the only reason you left him was because he cheated on you. NOT because he was abusing your first born child. I listen to you tell me how you almost died to have me, you fought my grandmother to bring me in this world, and all the things you sacrificed for me. But did you ever think that i sacrificed anything for you? I sacrificed my ability to attend a four year college because of you. i sacrificed my freedom as a teenager and spend my time trying to build you back up, and noone was there trying to build me up. i sacrificed my existence to make sure you wouldnt fall deeper into depression because me and my sisters needed a mother. I sacrificed having a normal teenage life because of you. I didnt get my learners permit or enjoy my senior year to the fullest because of things that were happening to you. I needed you to be a guide for me. to develop me into this amazing strong woman, but ive been weakened by the events of my past. I push people away because the main person i wanted in my life emotionally was nowhere to be found. Its even worse that i dont have a father. The worse thing you could have done was sending a letter to my sperm donor and having him tease me with two weeks of his presence. But that doesnt stop there. To this day, although I have forgiven you, I cant forget you not attending my high school graduation. I dont think you know how deep that pain is at the fact that you didnt attend it. Every year while in school, we would have assemblies about our achievements academically. From as long as i can remember, you didnt attend any of them. I never strived to get good grades in my younger years because when it was time for the assemblies, i knew you wouldnt be there. Do you know how hurtful it is to look in the crowd as a kid and see all the other kids parents there and yours isnt? if you dont know this by now about me, im a simply type of person. Only the little things in life matter most to me. Those kids parents had jobs too but made sure they were there to cheer their kid on. It was embarrassing when kids would ask me where my parents were at and i would have to lie and tell them that you were on your way or got lost or something. So i figured that my high school graduation would be a make up of lost times i guess. And i was disappointed yet again. with the events that took place in my high school years, i never thought i would make it across the stage. between the abuse you experienced in your relationship with that guy and me missing school because i was afraid he would come back and kill you, to the few attempts i made to committ suicide, i never thought i would have seen my high school diploma. Tears still well up in my eyes when i talk about this because it hurt me so deeply. Yes it was cool that my grandparents and aunt was there, but it meant more if you were there. you use to tell me as a teenager that i had nothing to be stressed about. little do you know i had the world to stress about. i had no father in my life, the man who tried to take his place left me abused and shattered when he was done, I was holding a deep dark secret about my rape, and my mother was depressed. i had noone there cheering me on telling me that i could do anything. all of my drill meets for ROTC, you werent there. I dont even remember you even taking a picture of me in my uniform for keepsake. the only thing you would say to me was dont turn up like you. but that was just as vague as telling me dont fall down. i have resentment towards you, however i tried my best to not let it show. i tried my best to shower you with the love i wanted from you. i tried my best to be your ears when you needed to talk, a shoulder to have when you needed to cry and a heart to love you when you needed unconditional love. i tried to give you exactly what i needed from you, in hopes you would get the hint. I felt i shouldnt have to tell my own mother, who birthed me and gave me life, what i was missing from her. but i guess i had to. this is not a letter to bash you or put you down or tell you anything hateful. but for so much of my adult life ive spent trying to impress you and not myself. i spent so much time holding on to these feelings and in fact it ate away my personality and the very spice that makes me..ME. no matter what mom, i love you. its so hard for me to now here you say you love me, because i wish i heard that more when i was a kid. i wish i heard when your husband would make me feel like dirt, that you would tell me everything would be ok and not to believe anything he said. even if you didnt believe the words that was coming out of your mouth, i wish i heard it anyways. because now when things get bad for me, all i think is negative things because thats all ive been taught. i dont want to live my life like this anymore. when you got diagnosed with breast cancer, it didnt hit me like it should have. i guess i became numb to anything that had to do with you. i know that you love me, hell you might love me more than i really do know, but i wish you showed it way before things got to this point. the mother you are to my siblings now hurts deeply because thats exactly what i wanted from you as a child, a teenager, and a young woman. what hurts now is the fact that you cant even put a little disagreement behind you between the woman i love and yourself. i know you dont accept my lifestyle but its me and its apart of me. and since the day i told you i was gay, i wanted you to understand that love has no boundaries or gender. its not inhumane to love the same sex because love has no boundaries. it can go as far as you want it to go or fall short where you want it to. genderless love is a beautiful thing and maybe one day you will understand why i am truly a lesbian. im not a lesbian because men hurt me or because i wanted your love. im a lesbian because this is something that ive felt since i was a little girl, and when i didnt act on it, i felt incomplete. me proclaiming my lesbianism has made me whole. i love you though mom, and its time to put aside the differences. life isnt promised to neither one of us and at any moment in time, we could take our last breathe. you will probably never read this letter, which im happy about, because i dont want you to hurt behind anything that i feel. because regardless, i still see you as light of my life. ive just felt hurt and disappointment but it never changed how much i love you. i take pride in being your first born and i will always love you. but today is the day i proclaim that i leave this all behind, and either i try and have a relationship with you, or i dont. but today is the day my heart is erased of hurt from you. i dont blame you because you was a young mother. a young woman who wanted love too but had a child. a young mother who wanted her childs father to be there but instead he wasnt. i understand now more than i did before. throughout all of this though, through the many tears that have fallen because of you, i am a stronger woman. even though right now i feel broken. you gave me a lesson that my siblings need. i dont fault you but it did hurt. i love you mom and im glad your breast cancer free..