vulnerable.

i feel like a bird that has been stripped of its wings. i dont know whats its like to feel loved because when i was supposidly loved it was all a lie. my heart was ripped out today and i dont know how to patch it back together. my mind is gone and my gut is tellin me i should have known all along. my brain is pissed and my heart is hurt. my body says im stupid while my mind says your human. i feel vulnerable because my intuitions were there all along but i never looked deep into them until the time was wrong and i got hurt again. i feel like ive been stripped down completely and now its up to myself to rebuild myself from scratch again. rebuild the self esteem that i made for myself. rebuild the love that i had for myself. and rebuild the trust i was tryin to bestow on individuals. i feel like i was raped and battered, left on the side of the road for a freak show. i would have been better off if she would have beat me rather than stab me in the front of my chest. i would have been better off if you killed me than committed the ultimate sin of lies and destruction. you abused the priviledges that now wont be bestowed on another individual because i cannot trust another soul again. i rather you fucked my best friend than fucked me on a whim of makin me pay...yes i know what i did was wrong but because not only you said you forgave me, god forgave me because i was givin another chance to love until you fucked it up. but i also gave mercy and i repented for that particular sin in place of another substance. so at the end of the day if you cannot forgive me for an action that was made when i was weak, than you dont forgive anyone who has ever hurt you. even more so, i am human, i make mistakes. i forgave you three times too many. and i havent held anything over your head. i let the situations go and maybe i shouldnt have been that easy on you because you definately wasnt that easy on me. i feel betrayed by you. but everything makes so much sense now.