Lesson Learned

The title of this blog was originally called Aftermath, but after listening to a song that i had skipped over so many times, and never listened to it..i took heed and listened for the first time..this is how i linked it to my life today..

Today I had a situation that shook my world for the 15 minutes that this female was in my presence. Or shall i say when she was in MY presence. This woman was a ex situation. No official title is needed or given for that matter, just a ex situation. She came to my job today with her girlfriend and I hastenly examined the situation. If I at least decide to be cordial, I have to deal with two things, the bullshit that her girlfriend will try and throw at me, and the stares and whispers of my coworkers. See, this particular female and I have mutual situations..WORK. My coworkers are also her old coworkers. Enough said. She conversated with them for a while. And while I acted like she didnt exist, she would make attempts to stare or try to make herself noticeable to just me. Her girlfriend was basically apart of my face instead of actually paying attention to her new surroundings. While I'm conducting business and handling clients, I notice quite often that either both of the women are making gestures like they are talking about me. I walk away and continue to do my thing like she was a stranger to me. Because in all actuality, she is a stranger. There were many attempts of trying to get me to break, but she was unsuccessful. She stands at the cash register right next to me, and I walk away. Any move i make, either her or her girlfriend is watching me. It ended because she gave up. She left like a defeated child. The type of child that gives up when their father or mother finally turns their back on them completely..She created such a scene to the point my coworkers are whispering and staring AT ME. IM gettin all the negative feedback about her. IM getting the bullshit behind her stares and long faced. Noone wants the type of attention I recieved today. NOONE. ill break it down in a minute why. To wrap this portion up, she exits after she finally sees me walk away..I was told that she stared for a very long time to see if i would have broke down finally and merely utter a word to her. I didnt. Heres why..

The day I closed the chapter of me and her was after a 7 month hiatus from her. I had basically rid her completely out of my life with no communication and any type of physical contact. I started growing tremendously without a utter of words on either side. We have spoken twice within that 7 month period. And those times she carried the FUCK out of me. Made me out to be the big bad wolf to her little friends. Made me out to be a horrible person to her flings. Made me out to be the bitch with no heart. And the stalkerish motives behind it all. In all actuality, the only reason I even would contact her was because I still cared and I wanted to make sure SHE was ok. It was also another occasion because I had a dream about her parents which made me question somethings. In the end, I was treated like a door mat. Walked all over until you couldnt even see the words on the mat anymore. I was torn down, humilated and destroyed on numerous occasions. But what made my blood boil today, and to be quite honest I didnt kno until I talked it over with my boo, it was because when i saw her face for the first time in 7 months, I thought back to the person i use to be. The woman that I use to be was a frail, bitter, confused, angry(still a lil angry), crutched, sensitive, needy and badly wounded. I had tolerated so much shit because I THOUGHT she was the first one to love me unconditionally, when she only loved me under circumstances. Circumstances that to this current date i can not figure out why i allowed such irrational behavior to ever exist. I lost who i was for two and a half years because i bent over backwards to make HER happy. I stopped dressing pretty, I stopped taking time out for self, I stopped my world. I started changing my appearance to suit her. I started trying to live my life the way she thought it should have. I did everything to give her what she wanted. I never thought about myself.

In the end, I cried today because I am happy of what i have become. I am not the same woman i was 7 months ago. I am so much better and more whole than I was when I had a woman in my life. I now appreciate life and love alot more. This time..ill finally love with real love..no limitations and no circumstances..real true..love..But at this moment, I'm doing something i should have a long time ago.. take time out for self. And i've never been happier than ever. Nothing can turn me away from happiness. Ive risen above the occasion and this is not the beginning. I prayed for the strength, and not only did I get that, but i got blessed to recieve wisdom in the long run. My blood boiled because I refuse to be that woman I use to be. I'm never apologizing for who I am inside. I love me.