despair.

im sitting here thinking about a particular situation i just got out of. within the blink of an eye im sittin here contemplating it without even realizing that i am. i saw the movie tonight, he's just not into you..with my ex. although i was surprised how the turn out was ( if you know me and my situation, you would be able to put two and two together), i was not expecting the night to turn the way it did. i was forced to finally open my eyes. after two years, i was forced to take off the tape that i had on my eyes and see what i should have been seeing from day one. check this.

if someone doesnt see the good you have brought in their lives, they are not needed.

if someone cant see the good before the bad, they are not needed in your life.

if someone rather dwell on the pain you have caused, and not worshipped the first that you shared with them, they are not worth your energy or time.

tonight everything i just wrote came out in one simple, yet heartbreakin conversation. my ex was upset because the movie made her upset. her girlfriend is married and lives in another state, and the guy she has been pursuin also lives in the sam state as the girlfriend. she was upset because shes a hopeless romantic and basically her bed is empty when she comes home from work. you asked how do i come in to play?

a couple of months ago, we shared an intimate moment. we had sex for the first time. we were together for almost a year but because of circumstances we never shared our first time together. it was heavily talked about, but never shared. we had that night after months of battling a breakup from each other. next thing i knew, i was being the other woman. something that i have never done before. quite frankly i also realized that i am not worthy of being second. i should always be first in a situation like that. but i loved the shit out of her. the truth is, i did some dirt to her and i allowed myself to be at her mercy because of it. at the time, i didnt love myself. but i loved the shit out of her. i allowed myself to be her other bitch. i use to push her away and cause so much hurt to her while we were doing us. and everytime she would ask me why would i do that to her..and i never had a answer..i got my answer tonight..it was because i felt no matter what i did, it would never amound to her girlfriend. why? because her present girlfriend is an ex girlfriend from the past..and also the very first girlfriend she ever had. she toted her relationship on a higher pedastal than she did ours, and yet i still felt inside that i was bein used. but i would brush it off because she would do things and reassure me i was just over analyzing things. i would lie in bed and wonder what life would have been like if we took that extra step and move on with each other as one. i felt in my heart she was the one. i opened myself up more ways than i was even ready to, yet alone i was alone. i would pull back because i felt that i wasnt bein met halfway. i use to always say in my head, how could she love me, when she is lovin another person. but of course, her charm and her ways brought me back down and i forgot for a moment what i was feeling. i feel like such a fool because tonight i realized the truth..she use to tell me when we were actually in a relationship that i was her first in everything..that i had given her everything she wanted and more..even when we were back to doin us..she would tell me how much she loved and cherished me..but for some reason i had a hard time believin her..i guess i really did know the truth..i was just searching for more answers..and i got them..but i also got something along with it..heartache..i have given this girl every piece of me..something that NOONE can say they have had. i never let a female in my heart..i never even allowed myself to trust a woman as much as i trusted her..i always thought that the woman that swept me off my feet and got me to break down all my walls..was gonna be the one i was gonna spend the rest of my life with..turned out not that at all..what killed and deaded the deal was when she said i wanna ask her to marry me..but i kno it wont happen..last february she broke up with me because she didnt want to be in the life anymore..and she knew that deep down inside she wanted to marry a man..to hear her say that tonight..hurt..although im not in love with her..i will always love her..and it wil always feel like knife was put in my chest deliberatly..she broke my heart a thousand times..and ive only broken hers once..i pray to God for strength. and the courage to love again..

her response when i got out the car..priceless..

"i appreciate you"..

enough said.